OMG…I SLEPT WITH THE BASS PLAYER!

'So senseless and tragic. When will young people learn?'

OMG…I SLEPT WITH THE BASS PLAYER!

Bass players are gross

Bass players give you a dose

They usually have long hair

And they’re always scratching down there

They just stand around looking dopey

And their voices are usually ropey

Then they pluck on them string…things

And the sound…omg…my head just whings

And then I look at the lead guitarist play

And I think, he can tickle my frets any old day

So to find myself waking up next to a bass-playing dope

Makes it kinda hard for a girl to cope

‘Cos nobody sleeps with the bass player innit?

Fuck it, I’ll do the drummer in the next bed in a minute!

SINGER WITH THE BAND

SINGER WITH THE BAND

I grew up and Ambrose grew older

We were together when he died

I was left alone to cry

I don’t know who I am

Please let me speak to Lord Delfont

I have been swindled

A fortune has slipped through my fingers

‘Lord Delfont is on the other line

Can he call you back?’

Mr Eric Morley please;

‘Eric, I have been evicted from my flat

I have nowhere to go’.

‘But Kathy, my dear,

You must have thousands stashed away’.

Now they have sent me to St Lukes Mental Hospital;

‘Kathy Kirby’s here – in a mink coat,

I mean, has she come to entertain us?’

What’s the matter with your hair, Kathy?’

‘It’s mummy, she’s been pulling it out again’.

‘When I wear dark glasses, don’t you think I look like Norma?’

‘Norma?’

‘Norma Desmond, you know, Sunset Boulevard’.

Someone has stolen my legs

I cannot possibly go on stage

I am not the real Kathy Kirby

All the girls in the street have Kathy Kirby legs now.

I am being held prisoner in my flat

I am being possessed by Ambrose

The Queen Mother is in me.

“Well, tell her to piss off!”

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