3 PUNKS (extract)

The Punk Kebab Documentary (1977)

3 PUNKS

By

Tom O’Brien

A bare stage. A bar with some stools stage left. Some drinks scattered about. A screen to back with images of Punks etc. Spotlight no 1 on JOHN LYDON. Spotlight no.2 on SHANE MACGOWAN. Spotlight no. 3 on JOE STRUMMER.  All three acknowledge the audience. Hold the spotlights for a few moments, then they all step forward and sing a verse each from 3 songs. John sings ANARCHY UK, Shane sings IF I SHOULD FALL FROM GRACE, Joe sings LONDON CALLING. All are dressed in the punk styles of their generation; Lydon wears an I HATE PINK FLOYD tee-shirt;  Joe carries a guitar.  It has a label which reads – THIS MACHINE KILLS FASCISTS ; Shane has a pint and a fag in his hands.

JOHN:            I consider myself working class. And we, the working class, we’re lazy good-for-nothing  bastards. We never accept responsibility for our lives – that’s why we’ll always be downtrodden. We seem to enjoy it in a perverse sort of way; we like being told what to do, led like sheep to the slaughterhouse, as it were.

JOE:               I was born John Mellor in Ankara, Turkey, in 1952. My father worked for the Foreign Office, with the result I had a life moving around different places when I was young; Cairo, Mexico City, West Germany, before we finally settled in the UK. My parents were still posted abroad though so at the age of eight I was packed off to boarding school, along with my elder brother David. That was our home for the next nine years, seeing our parents just once or twice a year. I suppose that’s why I became so fucked up.  

   SHANE:      I grew up in Puckaun. Back of beyond Tipperary. On a farm. My mother’s people. My uncle Jim used to sleep in the haystacks, ya know? He’d get pissed off about how overcrowded it was because there were about fourteen people living in the house.  You’d be playing in the haystacks and you’d suddenly realise Jim was asleep in the hay, under the tarpaulins. It was either that or sleep in the same bed as uncle John – and uncle John used to fight in his sleep. ‘Fock yez, I’ll fockin kill yez, ye conts’. So uncle Jim got so sick of it he would sleep in the haystacks, and in the end he never slept in a bed again.  

JOHN:              I loathe the British Public School system with a passion. How can anybody have the right to a better educationjust because their parents have money? I find that vile. They talk with this sense of superiority , the upper classes, and they have it. They have all the right connections once they leave school, and they parasite off the population as their  friends help them along.

                        You never see that with the working classes.       

JOE:               Our school’s initiation rite involved a choice of being beaten up or lying in a bath of used toilet paper. I got beaten up! I guess it toughened me up, taught me to be independent, but there was always this sense of abandonment; having to pretend your parents didn’t exist. There was this ‘Lord Of The Flies’ feel to the all-male dorm and bullying was rife; it was a really brutal school and they filled you with crap.          

JOHN:              Because with the working classes, if you have any kind of success your friends, your neighbours, will turn round and hate you instantly.

                        “You’re not working class anymore!”

                        That used to worry me when I was younger, but I couldn’t give a toss now. I regard myself as working class and that’s all that counts. It was similar if you managed to read a book – and actually understand it! Then you were a snob, a poof, or a sissy. Labels, that’s all they were. Meaningless fucking labels.

 SHANE:        (to Lydon)I remember the first time I saw you. You had long hair and wore a bovver hat. You were quite fat.

JOHN:            Fuck off you seldom fed culchie.

JOE:               That’s a Brendan Behan line.

JOHN:            And you can fuck off too, Strummer.

SHANE:         The next time you had blue hair. I’ll say this; it took some bottle to wear blue hair in Finsbury Park in those days. Chee…chee.

JOHN:            If you don’t accept me as I am then don’t accept me at all, that’s always been my motto. I was practically unlovable most of my early life. I wouldn’t even let my parents go near me. From a very early age it was – “get off! Don’t touch me! Leave me alone!”

SHANE:         I bet you fondled yourself.

JOE:               Well, isn’t this cosy. Three old punkers livin’ it up.

SHANE:         More like the three stooges, fuckin’ it up. Chee…chee.

JOHN:            Wait a minute! What are you doing here, Strummer? What’s he doin’ here? He’s fuckin’ dead. (He looks around)         Where is this place?

SHANE:         Yeah, Joe, what are you doing here?

JOE:               I thought you believed in re-incarnation, Shane.

SHANE:         Yeah, I do. But you can’t come back as yourself, can you? A dog, maybe. Or a chicken. Chee…chee.

JOE:               Maybe it’s all a dream.

JOHN:            The question is – whose dream?

JOE sings a few lines from Bruce Springsteen’s THE RIVER  and glides away

                                    Now those memories come back to haunt me,

                                    They haunt me like a curse.

                                    Is a dream a lie if it don’t come true,

                                    Or is it something worse?

JOHN:            Yeah, I fondled myself. But I never screamed as a youngster. That shocked my mother when she first heard the Sex Pistols. I had always been so quiet. She’d never seen that side of me. She probably thought she had raised a lunatic.

SHANE:         And you proved her right. Chee…chee.

JOHN:            Yeah. Had I not had my family I would have turned into a psychopath or something. Looking at how other people behaved I was definitely weird. I always had this sense of detachment…isolation… even when I was part of the Pistols this continued. I was never part of the group in any meaningful way. I came and sang my songs and then went home alone. I was never invited to any parties or get-togethers; I never felt really belonged.

            Joe returns.

JOE:               It’s Tuesday today. Just another I-wish-I-could –get-this-monkey-off-my-back fucking day. Have you got a smoke?

JOHN:            We were the very first people – as a band I mean – to call each other cunts. We just didn’t like each other, simple as that.                                                                                                Steve Jones was probably the most important member of the group. He was our procurer. Instruments, mics, speakers, you name it he would acquire it. He was a thief – a very good one – and had been since he was six years old when he watched his parents steal from the local Tesco’s. It was all he knew to do. He managed to get us great gear. (laughs) We still couldn’t play properly  even when we had great gear. One of our best sources was the Hammersmith Odeon where rock stars would be regularly playing. Steve knew his way round the back and when all the roadies were asleep or whatever, he’d sneak in and get us what we needed. The Pistols could never have come into being without nicked gear ‘cos none of us had any money.                                           I was invited to Join the band and become the lead singer by Malcolm. Malcolm McClaren. I was down the Kings Road every week, looking absurd, and Malcolm’s shop ‘Sex’ was the place to hang out. It had a jukebox and you could play music and have a chat with Malcolm. I had green hair and one evening Malcolm just said ‘would you like to be in a band?’ I said ‘I can’t sing. Just let me sing out of tune. Would that be alright?’ I knew every Alice Cooper song upside down, backwards and inside out so I did my version of ‘EIGHTEEN’

Johnny throws him a packet of cigarettes.

JOE:               A proper fucking smoke. A spliff.

JOHN:            I don’t fucking indulge.

They all sing Lydon’s version of EIGHTEEN (c Alice Cooper)

ALL:                          Lines form on my face and my hands
Lines form on the left and right
I’m in the middle
the middle of life
I’m a boy and I’m a man
I’m eighteen and I LIKE IT
Yes I like it
Oh I like it
Love it
Like it
Love it

            SHANE:         It’s election day today. Have you even voted?

            JOE:               Have you?  Where I live it wouldn’t make a blind bit of difference.

            SHANE:         Oh yeah, Somerset isn’t it? Bit middle-class for you. But I forgot,

                                    you are middle-class aren’t you Joe. Chhh…chhh…

            JOHN:            Nah. That was John Mellor. Son of a Foreign Office diplomat, private-

school boarder, art student , and all that fucking crap. Tell me Joe, has John Mellor been buried under so many years of being Joe Strummer that he no longer exists?

JOE:               You’re a two-faced cunt Lydon. You’re more establishment than any of us.

JOHN:            Nah, you got me confused with somebody else.

JOE:               What about that butter ad? You …a country gent! You sold out early.  (he points)  He used to be Johnny Rotten

                        (sings)

                                    God save the Queen. She ain’t no human being.

                                    There is no future in England’s dreaming…

Hypocrite. And you, McGowan, you went to Westminster Public School.

SHANE:         No  I fucking didn’t. I won a scholarship there, yeah, but did I attend? No fucking way. It was full of toffee nosed bastards like you. I went on a shoplifting spree my first week. I never looked back after that. Drink, drugs, you name it. I didn’t just get kicked out, I was fucking catapulted out. Chee….cheee                    (he drinks copiously from a bottle)                                                      

     JOHN:        I think the first words Steve Jones said about me were “I can’t work with that fucking cunt. All he does is take the piss and moan’.                There was rarely a time when the four of us were friends. Right from the start – at rehearsals –  I’d tell them I was going for a piss then listen at the door. And I would hear them;  “That cunt! Fucking hell!”  Then they’d go off in someone’s car, probably Malcolm’s, leave me standing behind. I’d go home by myself on the train. That would be it night after night. Me, the outsider. Malcolm said it was because he wanted me to be the ‘mystery man’. Bollocks!          

 

Image result for johnny rotten pics

     

Image result for punk pictures  joe strummer

                                                                              

WHAT’S THE STORY – a short story.

This is a short story from my book of short stories called WHAT’S THE STORY. The book is available on Amaon.co.uk

THE DISPOSSESSED
Being away for so long had made me homesick. When you’re young, four years
seems a lifetime. The notion of swapping the concrete wilderness that was
Kilburn for the more natural one of Currabaha for a few weeks seemed like a
good idea.
Oh, I was brash and I was flash; my easily-acquired ‘Big Smoke’ veneer not so
shiny anymore, but I was still lonesome. London was a great place for people like
me – fellas with little inclination of getting out of bed in the morning – yet deep
down there was always this nagging feeling that I didn’t belong. Where did I
belong? That was the burning question even then, all those years ago. I didn’t
know then, and I’m not sure I know now…
The first shock I had was seeing my father’s physical condition. He seemed to
have aged ten years. And he had developed ulcers on his legs which made
walking painful. His bicycle had been replaced by a moped – an NSU QUICKLY.
This contraption carried both him and my mother wherever they wanted to go
with the greatest of ease. It was progress of a sort I guess.
The biggest shock, though, was seeing the electricity cables connected to the
house. For years we had lived in a twilight world of paraffin lamps and candles.
Now the place was ablaze with electricity. There was even an electric cooker and
a TV. There was piped water too. No more dragging buckets up from the well a
hundred yards away. The only modern convenience missing was a bathroom –
and father was working on that. To be truthful, I had forgotten how primitive our
existence used to be. London had seen to that.
“Speak to your father”, my mother urged. “He won’t make the first move”.
As we hadn’t spoke for almost a year before I left, I wasn’t sure how he would
react. I needn’t have worried: he seemed as eager to talk as I was. The period of
silence between us wasn’t referred to at all. Both of them showed a keen interest
in my life in London so I invented a fictitious existence for myself. I don’t think
the truth would have gone down well, so I told them what they wanted to hear. I
felt a real shit telling them lie after lie, but what was the alternative? Tales of my
gambling and thieving would hardly have endeared me to them.
161
Little things that I had forgotten, like people blessing themselves as they passed a
church or drivers stopping to offer you a lift, reminded me forcefully that this
world and London hardly spoke the same language. The culture gap was so great,
the way of life so different, that my few years absence made me feel a stranger
myself.
I was forced to play out the charade of the big spender when I visited the Dirty
Bucket and other watering-holes in the neighbourhood. And suffer all the backslapping and hand-shaking as I bought drinks for half the county. A prestigious
job had to be invented too – so I told everyone I was I was working for the
William Hill organisation. Which I was in a way. Someone got the mistaken
impression that William Hill was a building contractor, and several fellows
asked if I could fix them up with a “start”. I said I’d see what I could do.
One day I borrowed my cousin’s motorbike and rode up the side of the
Comeraghs. And when I could ride no more I abandoned the bike and climbed.
Finally, I stood in the shadows of Crotty’s Eye, a needle-like projection that
eavesdropped on the valleys below. Idly, I wondered what Crotty, the
highwayman, thought when he looked down on those plains. I imagined him,
patiently sitting in the eye of the needle, watching potential victims grow large
before his eyes as they made their way slowly along the mountain trail. And I
visualised him,later, dangling from the gallows in Waterford City, where he was
hanged for his crimes.
“Hey Crotty”, I shouted in the wind, “I bet you never thought the Clancy
Brothers would make you famous” . A highwayman, now that was the life.
Being there reminded me of Deirdre. It didn’t seem that long ago since we had
swore our undying love for each other on this very same spot. Now I had learned
from my mother that she was to be married to some fella from Cork in a couple
of weeks. “Forever”, she had whispered in my ear. “I will love you forever,
Terry”. It occured to me now that “forever” isn’t such a long time after all.
Making my way back down I passed Lackendaragh’s Cave. It wasn’t really a
cave; merely a couple of stone walls bridged over with galivanised iron and bits
of timber. then covered rocks and sods of earth. The rear end was sealed with
more stones, the front partly covered with fertiliser bags. I peeped inside but he
wasn’t home. The place looked like it hadn’t been lived in for some time, so
perhaps he had moved on. That didn’t seem likely though; he had lived half way
up these mountains for as long as anyone could remember, coming down to the
162
village on the odd occasion to collect his few meagre rations. I had always
thought of him as Moses, with his long white beard and flowing hair. Perhaps he
was dead.
The days passed in a pleasant alcoholic haze and I was well into my second
week before I got as far as Tramore. Which surprised me, because I always felt
some special ‘magic’ about the place. Now as I strolled along the prom all I felt
was indifference. Oh, it was still a beautiful spot, and it was difficult not to be
moved when you saw those big Atlantic breakers rolling into the bay, but when I
looked back at the amusement arcades and fairground booths that dotted the seafront, I realised it could just as easily be Brighton or Clacton. Or any of a
hundred other seaside resorts. And I felt sad.
I hadn’t been long in the town when I noticed a girl hanging around the arcades
giving me the eye. We got chatting and I learned she was from Belfast. She told
me she was working as a maid in one of the hotels and it was her day off. Later,
we sat on the pier, our legs dangling, and ate greasy chips washed down with
warm Fanta. She told me her name was Marian, and said she had watched me
ride in on the motorbike. When she asked if I owned it I said yes.
“I love the feeling you get on a big bike”, she said. “Don’t you?”
Then she asked if I would take her for a spin. I was only too happy to oblige and
we soon left the town behind us in a ribbon of blue smoke.
The bike was a charging chariot and I was starring in Ben Hur as we negotiated
the coast road. We flew low over Annestown and Boatstrand, slowing down only
to negotiate treacherous hairpins. When the adrenalin finally gave out we found
ourselves on the cliffs overlooking Bonmahon.
The signs of decay were everywhere. If ever a town basked in the shadow of
former glory, this was it. Less than a hundred years ago, this was a thriving
mining community, vibrant and volatile. The lanky main street once boasted
rows of terraced housing – maybe not exactly luxurious living – but at least it
radiated life. All that was left now was a ghost town. The sand dunes had crept
relentlessly towards the remains of the Main Street, the only barrier to further
encroachment the facades of the houses. They has been chopped off at shoulder
height and were only recognisable because the bricked-up windows and doors
were of a different colour.
163
We had parked quite close to a railed-off section of cliff. Here, too, the signs of
decay were visible. DANGER! KEEP OUT! DISUSED COPPER MINES.
Even the warning signs were faded. The copper, the houses, most of the people,
long gone. Nothing left but some bloody great holes in the ground.
The summer day ebbed as we sat on the grass and talked. About everything – and
nothing. Marian had spent some time in London, working in hotels along the
Bayswater Road
“Most of the guests were sex-maniacs”, she said. “Everything time we went into
a bedroom to do our work we needed armour. Many of them were Middle
Eastern, Arabs I suppose, and they thought their money could buy them
anything”.
She laughed at one particular memory…”one guest was still in bed when I went
into his room. He had a book on his lap, a guide book he said, and asked me to
point out a certain landmark to him. I am short-sighted and had to bend down to
have a look. Well, he pulled away the bedclothes and you can imagine what I
was left looking at! That was enough for me…I came home to civilised people
after that”.
She would have returned to Belfast, she said, but most of her friends and relatives
were fleeing the place. “There’s more of us in Shannon now than Belfast”. Then
she asked me if I was a sympathiser.
I said I hadn’t thought about it much but I supposed I was. Well, if ever there was
a collection box to be filled I always threw a few bob in. I had seen the pictures
on the telly; hordes of them tumbling over the border, faces on them like they had
seen Old Nick himself. And sure maybe they had.
Later, as the sun sank into the sea, we rode back into Tramore and terrified
ourselves on the big dipper. Then we jousted in the bumpers; the head-to-head
collisions sending her screaming with delight. When we had our fill of drink we
went dancing in the Silver Slipper, and later still I asked her to come back to
London with me. She said she would. To celebrate we consumated our passions
on the still-warm sand with the Atlantic breakers lapping gently against our toes.
Afterwards, I fell asleep. When I woke up she was gone. And so was my wallet.
Ah well, that’s red-headed women for you.
164
The following night I went dancing in the Rainbow, with money borrowed from
my mother. What I thought of as a palace now turns out to be nothing more than
a glorified shed.
I watched from the shadows as a man scattered handfuls of crystals on the uneven
floor. Occasionally, when the ballroom doubled as the cinema, the same man
used to strike terror into us youngsters, curbing our exuberance with whacks on
the head from his torch. Now, he was just an old man.
Later, as the hall began to fill, I felt like an interloper as I watched the age-old
rituals unfold. The men lined up one side of the hall, the girls along the other.
The space between was a sort of no-mans land, across which the two sides sized
each other up. When the music commenced it was a buffalo stampede across nomans land to grab the girl of your choice. Sometimes there was a sharp change of
direction to grab a second or third choice when the initial selection was
commandeered by somebody else.
I didn’t dance all night. I merely stood there and watched, and realised that I
didn’t have the stomach for it anymore. Friends and acquaintances, I watched
them waltzing and fox-trotting by me, happy in their world, and I knew I wasn’t
part of it anymore.
Absence hadn’t made my heart grow fonder; it had only distanced me from them
and their way of life. For the first time in my life I truly understood the
expression I had often heard in London, “you can never go back”. Its true – You
can never go back.
A few days later I “acquired” some more funds and returned to London. I’ve
never been back.
end

NO BLACKS ,NO DOGS, NO POLES

This is a scene from my play NO BLACKS ,NO DOGS, NO POLES. The full script can be purchased on Amazon.

No Blacks, No Dogs, No Poles Brendan Behan's Women: Two Irish plays by [Tom O'Brien]

NO BLACKS, NO DOGS, NO POLES was first performed at Pentameters Theatre, Hampstead, London NW3 6TE on 13th May2014. It was produced by Leonie Scott-Matthews and directed by Jesse Cooper.

NO BLACKS, NO DOGS, NO IRISH POLES

By

Tom O’Brien

Characters

JIMMY………swarthy, dark complexion, 30yrs                   

CON…………..Irish, a bull of a man, mid 50’s                       

MARION……poised, slightly matronly, mid 50’s                

JJ……………….Anglo-Irish, well groomed, late 40’s                          

MICHAEL….athletic, interesting, 30yrs                              

CATHY………aborigine, 30yrs approx.                                 

Time…………….recently

Length………..90mins approx.

Synopsis

The dysfunctional Kennedy clan are having a re-union. There’s the father, Con, a successful building contractor in London who has had to relocate back in Ireland because of tax irregularities in the UK.  Con is secretly bisexual, although not-so-secret from his wife, Marion, who has known it all along and kept quiet about it. His estranged son, Michael, turns up after five years in Australia with Cathy, his new aborigine wife.  To say his parents are surprised would be putting it mildly. His nephew, Jimmy, also turns up and it is soon apparent that his racist, bigoted views haven’t mellowed any as he has got older. We learn that he is there at Con’s invitation; his real reason being to spy on Marion, who Con suspects of having an affair. Jimmy also has his own agenda, selling crack/cocaine to the local drug users – a plan which backfires when the drugs, which he has buried in the back garden, are discovered by Michael, heightening the already tense atmosphere in the house. Add in JJ, construction manager for Con, whose attraction to Marion must be obvious to everyone except Con.

                                                            ACT ONE

scene one

A well-presented living room.  Armchairs, coffee table, lamp-stand, bookcase etc. An old mantel clock is on a shelf.  French doors leading to the garden. The garden is part-visible; grass, shrubs, a tree right at the back.  A door leads to the stairs. We hear a voice singing, loudly and badly, in the garden.

            VOICE:                      We will take him up the Arse…

                                                We will take him up the Arse…

                                                We will take him up the Arse…n…al

CON DWYER appears from within the house, shaking his head.  He is in mid/late fifties, a bull of a man.  He moves to the French doors and looks out.

            CON:              Jimmy, would you mind moderating your vocal delivery…you prat.

His reply is a ball kicked in the direction of the doors.

            CON:              Oi! It’s not Saturday down the North Bank with the rest of the morons.

JIMMY DWYER appears from the garden.  He is in around thirty, swarthy, dark complexion. His head may be shaven. He wears an Arsenal jersey, and is carrying a can of lager.

            JIMMY:         What was that, Con?

            CON:              Put a sock in it.  You’re among civilised people now.

            JIMMY:         No, before. The intellectual bit.

            CON:              I asked you to moderate your vocal delivery.

            JIMMY:         That’s good, that. (drinks) Where’d you pick that up?

            CON:              Some literary magazine

            JIMMY:         The Sun?  Hey Psycho, could you moderate your vocal delivery.

            CON:              And if he didn’t?

            JIMMY:         We’d kick his head in.

            CON:              You’d do that anyway.

            JIMMY:         Yeah. But not with such style.  (beat) Must remember that. Use it the next

                                    time.

            CON:              And when are you likely to see a game again?

JIMMY:         Yeah, well…(brightens)  I can watch the highlights tonight.

            CON:              Not on my telly, you can’t.

            JIMMY:         Aw Con.  Just because you support the Jewboys…

            CON:              It’s the reception.  We can’t get BBC here.

            JIMMY:         I forgot I’m back in the fucking bog again.

            CON:              Better than being back in the nick.

            JIMMY:         Yeah, you’re right.  Look…thanks again for putting me up. I’ll get out of

                                    your hair in a few days.

            CON:              Aren’t you forgetting something?

JIMMY:         I ain’t forgetting.  I’ll be out’a your hair soon as I finish that little job.

            CON:              Don’t take too long about it. (pause) Nothing too drastic, mind.

            JIMMY:         Gotchya. (finishes the beer) Think I’ll take a stroll. You know, stretch the

                                    legs. 

He heads back into the garden, and we hear singing.

            JIMMY:         We’ll take ‘em up the Arse…………Take ‘em up the Arse…

Con watches Jimmy depart, unaware that MARION, his wife, has been watching the last few exchanges. Marion is early fifties, good-looking in a matronly sort of way.

            MARION:      A few days! I can’t stand five minutes more of that…that sort of vulgarity.

                                    He’d better go.

            CON:              How long have you been there?

            MARION:      Long enough.  There’s no excuse for that kind of language.  It belongs in

                                    the gutter.  And so does he.  What little job?

            CON:              I don’t know.

            MARION:      Sounded to me like you did.

CON:              Someone owes him money I think. Ah… you know Jimmy.

MARION:      That’s what worries me.  Get rid of him.

            CON:              I can’t do that.

            MARION:      I’ll do it then.

          CON:              He’s my sister’s son for God sake!

            MARION:      And that gives him the right to be foul-mouthed?  Though maybe that’s

                                    where he gets it from.

            CON:              Josephine?  Bad language?

            MARION:      She could swear for Ireland, England and Europe when she had a mind to.

                                    How would you know anyway? You’ve hardly seen her in twenty years.

            CON:              Neither have you.

            MARION:      I’m not her brother. Anyway, I spent enough years sharing a room with

                                    her.  So don’t tell me what language she could or couldn’t use.

            CON:              Oh yes.  I remember now.  Harlesden Gardens.  Round the corner from St

                                    Marys Church.  Mrs McGinty was your landlady.  Ex- Gestapo, wasn’t

                                    she?

            MARION:      There was nothing wrong with Mrs McGinty.

            CON:              Nothing that a firing squad couldn’t cure.

            MARION:      You never liked her.

            CON:              She never liked me!

            MARION:      And whose fault was that? You terrified that poor woman.

            CON:              She had no sense of humour.

MARION:      Oh yes.  Let me see now…five ton of building sand dumped in her front drive…

            CON:              She needed a new patio…

            MARION:      A load of unasked-for horse manure…

            CON:              Her roses were looking a bit poorly…

MARION:      Catalogue furniture, carpet fitters, undertakers, funeral wreaths….

                        Hilarious, that. She must have been laughing her head off. 

            CON:              She was a fucking bitch.

            MARION:      Just because she found you in bed with…

            CON:              I wasn’t in bed with him. I was only in his room. (pause)  I had nowhere to

                                    sleep for Christ sake!

          MARION:      I thought it was pretty funny at the time.

            CON:              I’m glad someone did.  Did you know she told Fr. Cleary?  He was round

                                    like a shot.  You know how that lot are about…things like that.

            MARION:      The church frowns on homosexuality, Con. He was only doing his job.

CON:              Huh! Half of Willesden knew about it before the week was out.

            MARION:      Now, where’s your sense of humour?

            CON:              I can take a joke like the next man…but that wasn’t funny. Bloody narrow-

                                    minded ould biddy. Did she really think I was like that?  All I did was

                                    sleep in a friend’s bed for a few nights when he was on night shift.

MARION:      You overslept that night, Con. (laughs) I was finishing my cornflakes in the kitchen when she came in. She was in a right state – about the four legs she saw sticking out of the bottom of the bed.  And I think they’re men’s legs, she whispered, blessing herself.  ‘Course I knew two of them were yours…

CON:              I should’a stayed in your room.

MARION:      God no! That would have been worse still in her eyes. Anyway, you didn’t  really know me then. It was only after that we started going out.

            CON:              Oh yeah, that’s right.  I swept you off your feet soon afterwards.

MARION:      (a forced laugh) She was very good to me, the time I spent there. God rest

                        her soul.

            CON:              She’s dead?

            MARION:      She died last year.

            CON:              I never knew

            MARION:      Why should you?

            CON:              You could have told me.

            MARION:      What for?

            CON:              So as I could go and get drunk.

            MARION:      Since when did you need an excuse to do that?

CON                I would have raised my glass to her… (he raises an imaginary glass)

Your good health Mrs McGinty. May you continue to feed the hungry worm population….

            MARION:      See what I mean? I thought all that was forgotten.

CON:              It’s not just elephants who never forget.  She made a laughing stock of me. I didn’t dare show my face in the Galtymore for ages afterwards…

            MARION:      You made sure you got your own back, didn’t you?

            CON:              (an uncomfortable silence) Ah, it’s all history now.  (pause)

            MARION:      Is it?  (another pause)

CON:              I’ll have a word with Jimmy….get him to tone it down a bit.

            MARION:      I don’t want him here at all. There’s bound to be a room at the inn.

            CON:              And if there’s not, they might have the use of a stable, eh?

            MARION:      What?  (realising) Michael’s going to be here in…(she looks at her

                                    watch)…less than three hours.

            CON:              Better dig out the red carpet sharpish then, hadn’t I?

            MARION:      If that’s the way you’re going to…I can see now it’s going to be a fine

                                    homecoming…

            CON:              And whose fault is it if I’m not exactly over the moon?

            MARION:      He’s our son for heaven sake!

            CON:              Oh yes…our son.

            MARION:      For God sake! He’s been away five years, Con.

            CON:              I know that.

            MARION:      You could show some enthusiasm at least.  You never even…enquired

                                    about him (beat) He could have died for all you cared

CON:              No!  Don’t say that. Don’t bloody say that.  I do care.

            MARION:      Show it then.  Show him.

            CON:              I’m not like you. 

            MARION:      You don’t talk to him.  You never talked to him.

CON:              I did. I tried to. He’s the one who wouldn’t speak. After the…well…after what happened. (pause)   Besides, you do enough talking for both of us. All those phone calls…

            MARION:      Oh well, if you’re going to complain about a few little phone calls…

            CON:              I’m not complaining.  Jesus!

            MARION:      Are you going to speak to him?

            CON:              He’s the one who wouldn’t speak to me, remember?

            MARION:      I don’t want him arriving and finding you won’t speak to him.

            CON:              I said I would.

            MARION:      It’s not just him now.

            CON:              That’s another thing.  Getting married in the wilds of Woomabera –

or wherever it is. What’s wrong with here?  His home?

            MARION:      This isn’t his home. London is.

            CON:              You know what I mean.

MARION:      We got married in Willesden Junction.

            CON:              It’s not out in the bloody wilds.

            MARION:      It’s Katoomba.  And it’s not in the wilds.  It’s just outside Sydney.  I’m sure

                                    they are civilised there.

            CON:              Bloody upside-downers. I remember when I worked in Earls Court…

            MARION:      They remember you too, I bet…

            CON:              No one ever said a bad word about me. It’s in the breeding. The Kennedys

                                    can go anywhere and hold their heads high.  Civilised people every one of

                                    them.

            MARION:      Apart from your nephew Jimmy.

            CON:              Funny how he’s my relation all of a sudden.

            MARION:      He’s no relation of mine.

            CON:              Ah come on, he’s not that bad.

            MARION:      He’s a thug.  A foul-mouthed, nasty piece of work. And I don’t want him

                                    round my house.  What’s he doing here anyway?  You haven’t seen him for

                                    years.

            CON:              He just turned up.

MARION:      Just like that?

CON:              Yeah.  I couldn’t turn him away.

MARION:      On the run, then. A rat’s natural habitat is the city sewers, not the countryside.  Not enough victims  (pause) I don’t want the police coming round here.

            CON:              What police?  What are you talking about?

            MARION:      Where he’s concerned they won’t be far behind. I can see why Josephine

                                    washed her hands of him.

            CON:              She never washed her hands…

            MARION:      Abandoned then, if you want a better word.

            CON:              She did her best.

            MARION:      Josephine always did her best.  For Josephine.  Not that I blame her too

                                    much.  I might have done the same myself.  I mean, when your own son

                                    tries to burn your flat down – with you inside… (pause) He’s a psychopath;

a bigoted, racist, nasty…

            CON:              He needed a father, someone to keep him straight…

MARION:      And that would have solved all his problems, would it? God, aren’t fathers great altogether! (pause) Does he know Michael is coming home?

            CON:              I didn’t get round to telling him.

            MARION:      Oh, that’s grand.

CON:              It won’t be an issue.

            MARION:      No, it won’t.  And do you know why.  Because Jimmy won’t be here. And

                                    you had better make sure he won’t. I’m going out for an hour now…that

                                    should give you enough time to sort it out.

            CON:              Out?  Where are you going?

            MARION:      A policeman wouldn’t ask me that question.

            CON:              You’ve done the shopping.

            MARION:      Yes.  And now I’m going out again.  (she exits)

Con watches her go, a look of thunder on his face. He takes out his mobile phone and makes a call.

end of scene

CATCHER IN THE RYE – THE MAN WHO SHOT JOHN LENNON

40 YEARS ON:

CATCHER IN THE RYE – THE MAN WHO SHOT JOHN LENNON by Tom O’Brien

More popular than Jesus are you
And what if I shoot you
Will I be more popular too?
That is the question you see
Why are The Beatles more popular than me?
And so I did what others would not dare
There was no moral or religious reason
It was just John Lennon hunting season
And the bright lights of infamy and fame shone brightly right there.
Imagine there’s no John Lennon,
I had sung the night before
And now there wasn’t anymore
Because I shot him four times in the back
And watched him die
Then carried on reading a chapter
Of The Catcher in the Rye.
I had ended the life
Of a man I did not know
And as somebody told me I must leave
I just stood there thinking
‘But where would I go?’

LETTERS TO MOTHER AND OTHER DEAD RELATIVES

Buy any of my books on Amazon between now and Xmas and I will donate 50% of royalties to MACMILLAN CANCER SUPPORT.

                      LETTERS TO MOTHER AND OTHER DEAD RELATIVES                

Dear Mother,

We never had much to say to each other when you were alive. I suppose that had a lot to do with you being grounded in the tranquility of rural County Waterford, while I misspent my youth on the mean streets of that area often referred to as County Kilburn. Even when we did speak it was only in platitudes; nothing of importance was ever touched upon. Mainly, I assumed, because nothing of importance had ever happened in our family’s history. So the chances of you surprising me from beyond the grave were very remote indeed.

It began with enquiries about your favourite son, John. Telephone calls to friends and neighbours, even to the Parish Priest. Nosing around, you would call it. Eventually the caller phoned John himself, which is how I became involved.

Apparently we were the beneficiaries of a legacy. A substantial sum of money was laying in British Government coffers, the trail of which led back to our paternal grandfather, Tom, and we were the next in line. Nobody ever spoke about grandpa Tom; Why was that?  And now that I think of it, why is grandpa buried in one parish and grandma in another? And why did father scrupulously care for grandma’s grave, and not grandpa’s? 

But back to the legacy. There was a catch – there always is – the caller required us to sign a contract giving him 33% of the estate before revealing details to us. As I happened to consider that excessive for a ‘finders fee’ I began my own investigations on the internet.

As far as I could see, the only family member who it could possibly be was Aunt Margaret. When I had last seen her ten years ago, she was already an old woman, living in poverty in Lewisham. (I know you always said she had loads of money, but if you had seen how she lived then you would have changed your mind)

Anyway, after several hours of queries to Ask Jeeves and co, I came across a British government website called www.bonavacantia.co.uk  I typed in a name and there it was in black and white!  Margaret O’B…. Lewisham, died intestate 2005.  Estate £XX,000  How well you knew her!

But of course you didn’t really. Nobody did. Not even my father – her own brother. He never spoke about her.  Why was that? She left Waterford in 1947 and was never seen by any member of the family again, apart from myself. Oh, I know you wrote her the occasional letter and she sent parcels of used clothes to you. ‘Her cast-offs’, you called them, before burning the lot. What was it that caused her to go away and never come back?

She came to visit me in Kilburn shortly after Karen was born – was that your doing, giving her my address? – And we kept in contact until I moved away from the area. She liked the idea of having a niece, but I found her a strange, secretive woman.

When I last saw her she was housebound, living in a dingy council estate in Deptford. And given to calling me ‘Captain’ – because I don’t think she remembered who I was any more. After that I forgot about her.

To establish claim to the estate I have had to furnish various documents; birth, marriage, death etc. Which is how I learned that my father and Aunt Margaret weren’t the only children born to my paternal grandparents. There were three other children, John, James and Catherine. What happened to those uncles and aunt? Father never spoke of them. They are not still alive as far as I can establish, but neither have I yet ascertained where and how they died and where they are buried.

But you, mother dear, served up the biggest surprise of all. On your marriage certificate, it says FATHER UNKNOWN.  Why, in my childhood, did I never realize that your mother was unmarried? Or query the fact that your father had never been around. Oh, there was a man about the house – your mother’s brother Mikey – and maybe I subconsciously associated him with being your father. Mikey, with his wooden leg -he had lost the real one fighting with the British Army in Flanders – lives on in my memory, and I can still recall trying to remove my leg as he did his, and wondering why I couldn’t. I almost wish now that he had been your father.

I have since learned that you did know your father. He was a friend of Mikey’s who had also joined the British Army, but had been killed in the same battle that had seen my granduncle lose his leg. Killed before he could make an honest woman of your mother.

Killed before he could respectably be put down on your wedding certificate as your father.

You never spoke about any of this. Not to me, anyhow. Was this what made you melancholy in your later years? The thought of your mother living all her life in her little thatched cottage in Grenan, the man she loved lying in an unmarked grave, lost forever in those green fields of France?

I think it’s sad that I find you more interesting dead than I ever did when you were alive.

Your loving son,

Tom

This is the first letter in my book of the same title. It is available to purchase on Amazon

Letters To Mother And Other Dead Relatives by [Tom O'Brien]

THE CROWS KNOW YOUR ADDRESS

THE CROWS KNOW YOUR ADDRESS

I could murder a crow

I know where they go

When the sun goes down.

They cling to big trees

And snooze like dead bees

And sometimes they dine out in town.

Some have MA’s and others PHD’s

Some strut like celebrities

And lecture others

Less scholarly in looks.

Some dance like dervishes

And read the most obscene books.

They never forget a face

Whether animal, or human race

And they hold grudges

With deadly intent

Upset them just slightly

And their anger they will vent.

When the crow revolution comes;

Oh yes, they will rise up:

Their cawing is talking

In crow parlance

And their hopping is really a war dance.

If you have ever fucked with a crow,

Even just once, a decade ago,

They will remember it was you

And their crow offspring too.

So farmers don’t ever shoot crows

‘Cos they will know what to do

I could murder a crow

But crows are like elephants

They never forget

Though they haven’t paid me back yet

I’ve just shot one as it goes;

If I murder another

Will that be a murder of crows?

See the source image

SOME CHRISTMAS READING!

PRISON

“It wasn’t such an earth-shattering experience as I though it might be the day I was    

banged up for eighteen months.  The judge who sentenced me gave me a stern lecture on the abuse of trust and the sanctity of other peoples’ property, and then said the public had a right to protection from people like me. I thought the ould fucker was going to give me five years, so the  eighteen months came as a bit of relief.   He also said I should be deported at the end of my sentence, which upset me more than the deprivation of my freedom.  The bird I could do standing on my head, but…I had been slung out of a few places in my time, but never a country.

The two months I had spent on remand in Brixton had been easy-going, but Wandsworth was something else.  Dark and foreboding, it was a Dickensian shambles of a place. ‘Get those clothes off…get cleaned up…’ the reception screw shouted as we filed past him, filtering us through a disinfecting process that was similar to sheep dipping.  Some of the dirtier inmates were poked and prodded with long-handled loofahs as they shuffled along the line.

Afterwards, I was paraded in front of the prison doctor, who felt my pecker before passing me fit for general duties. All my wordly possessions – one Timex watch and ten shillings and sixpence- were then sealed in a grubby brown envelope and my name and number written across it, and I was issued with my prison kit.  A couple of John Players – which I had concealed in my hair – slipped to the reception con, ensured that the clothes fit me.  It was only when the heavy steel door to my cell slammed shut that it hit home I wouldn’t be seeing daylight for some time to come.

Prison mornings are not for the faint -hearted.  Doors kicked and slammed open, steel landings echoing to the ring of hob-nailed boots, yells from every direction: ‘Right you lot, slop out!   The wing I was billeted on had four landings, each with its own recess for getting rid of the shit and piss accumulated during the night.  The stench was unbearable.  It lingered for hours – long after the cleaning crews had done their bit.  I thanked God I was on the topmost landing; the contents of some of the pots never made it to the sinks, but were tipped over the railings into the void below.

No inmate was allowed to keep a razor blade in his cell. Each morning the landing screw issued a blade from the folder he carried with him.  If you were lucky, it might be the one you used the previous day.

The cell housed a steel bunk bed along one wall and a single frame bed along the other. You weren’t allowed to lie on the bunk bed during the day, and the single bed had to be dismantled and stood against the cell wall each morning. The bed linen had to be folded in a certain way, and if the screw didn’t like your handiwork, he tipped it on to the floor and made you re-do it. There were three small lockers, three chairs and a single table.

Each prisoner was allocated one pot, one plastic jug, one mug, plastic cutlery, one razor, one pair of boots, one pair of slippers, two pairs of socks, two vests, two shirts, one jacket, one tie, one soap dish, one toothbrush, and a copy of the prison rules.

Outside each cell was fixed a small card rack containing information on its occupants.  Name, prison number, work category, religion and length of sentence. It soon became apparent to me why the place was such a shit hole: It was inhabited mostly by dossers, tramps and petty thieves, all short -term occupants, who, when released, did their best to get back inside again.

I soon discovered that tobacco was the currency the prison ran on.  All those little extras that made life bearable – that extra pair of socks, the jacket that fitted, yesterday’s newspaper, a not-so-used copy of Playboy – they all had their price. Every Friday the money you earned could be spent in the prison shop, and items such as tobacco, soap and toothpaste could be purchased. You could buy up to a half ounce of tobacco, and this was the first item you purchased – whether you smoked or not. You could then sell it or trade it for something else, gamble with it or, if you were hard enough, become a tobacco baron. I usually bought soap or toothpaste with what was left over, the prison soap being vile and the toothpaste only fit for scouring your pisspot.

In due course, I was allocated work in the mailbag shop; a long, narrow workshop where the seating arrangements resembled those in a school.  One screw prowled the centre aisle, whilst another sat on a platform overseeing everything. We weren’t allowed to smoke during work, and the mobile screw’s main function appeared to be to shout ‘one off, Mr Beasley’ to his seated companion each time one of us requested permission to go to the bog. We weren’t supposed to smoke in there either, but they didn’t seem too bothered about it. I thought it hilarious that they had to address each other as ‘mister’.

My companion during working hours was Derek, and it was only natural that we should talk. Or to be more accurate, Derek did.  Non-stop. About trucks. Big trucks.  Enormous bloody trucks.  Fucking boring trucks.  He expected the rest of the world to have an orgasm when he talked about his Scannia.  At first I thought Scannia was his wife. After a while I perfected a nodding technique, which allowed me to concentrate on more important matters.  Like how much time I had left to do:  two months on remand…a third off for good behaviour…that still left another ten months.  I couldn’t take ten months of Derek and his jabber.  Then I read on the notice board of a welding course in a nick up the country, so I put my name down for it. A few weeks later I learnt that my application was successful.

HMP Mousehold was classed as semi-open.  The main block didn’t look much different than Wandsworth; a big, rambling, decaying construction, but there was another section known as The Huts.   These were Nissan huts, each holding twenty in a dormitory environment. Each was self-sufficient, the occupants being responsible for cleaning and maintaining it. We fetched our grub from the main hall, and apart from roll-call each morning and evening, were left mainly to our own devices.

Our hut was reserved for those on the welding course.  Strangeways, Barlinni, Camp Hill, they were all represented.  Most were English; there was a sprinkling of Taffys and Jocks, and myself  the only Irishman. There were no Blacks, which surprised me considering the numbers I had seen in Brixton and Wandsworth.

I was known as Paddy despite my repeated attempts to furnish my real name.  In the end I gave up. The best response to a taunt of ‘what’s a thick Mick like you doing on a welding course?’ was to shout back ‘the same as you, you scabby Limey cunt’.

Jet Lag was one of the characters on the course.  A recidivist of more than twenty years standing, his presence was the result of a prank.  He had applied for a gardening course, but not being able to read and write too well, had asked somebody else to fill in the form for him.  ‘Jesus Paddy’, he said to me one day, ‘what do I want to learn welding for?’  The authorities didn’t care one way or the other; a welding course he had put down for, a welding course he would do.

Lefty, whose bunk was next to mine, was doing two years for hijacking a lorry-load of shoes. Unfortunately for him, the consignment consisted entirely of left shoes, something that caused much amusement amongst the rest of us.

‘Is there a big one-legged population in Bethnal Green then, Lefty?’  ‘Found yourself a niche in the market, Lefty? ‘  ‘The Old Bill reckoned you didn’t have a leg to stand on’…

For my own part, I found myself up before the Governer within days of my arrival. My appeal against my deportation had been turned down. I had hoped that common sense might prevail; I mean, what was the point of teaching me a trade then chucking me out?  But bureaucracy knows no logic.

‘However’, the Governer waffled on, ‘it’s no concern of this establishment that an expulsion order has been served on you.  Our job is to see that you complete your sentence here. You will then be released in the normal manner.  What happens after that is up to the appropriate authorities…’

Fuck me, I thought… would it be too much to hope that the matter might slip their minds altogether?

Life in the dormitories was a million miles from prison life in many ways.  The dreaded slopping-out routine for one thing, the constant banging of doors, the turn of a key in the lock.  In certain respects it was like being in the army – if you kept the rules the screws never bothered you much.

Yet when the lights went out at night, and you lay there looking out at the lit-up walls with their coils of razor wire on top, you were forced to admit that your dreams of freedom were just an illusion. I would watch the twinkling stars overhead, see the glare from the city of Norwich hanging like a shroud above the wire, and imagine the hordes of people out there. All drinking, fighting, making love, living life unfettered. And I felt a lump in my throat.

Then I pictured Tessa lying in Larry’s arms, could almost smell the betrayal, and somehow it didn’t seem too bad where I was.  I killed them all in my fantasies.  A thousand times over. Tessa I saved the worst fate for; she had made a fool of me and that was hard to forget.  Sometimes I thought of Fergus, deep in the cold and lonely soil, his eyes open and reproachful.

 I hardly thought of my parents at all; didn’t know if they knew where I was, didn’t really care.  I received no letters, I wrote none. I retreated into a world of imagination.  In reality, I was lying on my bunk staring at something on the ceiling, but in my mind I was lying on the beach in San Tropez, or trekking across the Arizona desert. Years later, when I read Pappillon, I was able to understand how its author, Henri Charriere, managed to survive  the French penal colonies. He wasn’t really spending his years in a rat-infested dungeon that got flooded at every high tide; he was out walking the world of his imagination.

When I wasn’t in foreign lands, I was learning to weld. I had no desire to pursue it as a trade – it was just something to pass the time – but our tutor had other ideas.  Day after day, week after week, he kept us at it, so that by the end of the course even Jet Lag could fuse two bits of metal together.

At the end of the course I was assigned to one of the tradesmen screws.

‘Done a plumbing?’  He asked me the first morning.

I shook my head.  We had been assigned to the screw quarters outside the gate, and I was busy re-discovering that long-legged women in short skirts were real, not just images I had wanked myself silly over for the past ten months.

‘Well, never mind.  Once you’ve done one it will be a piece of cake…’

It was too.  I discovered that all we were doing was renewing the taps on the sinks and baths in each flat, something that took very little time and effort. Not that we seemed to be in any great hurry.

‘Don’t get carried away, lad. This has to last us at least a month…’

There was no better man for making easy work look hard.  Hadn’t I years of practice…

The arrangement was that I would do upstairs and he downstairs, so I was left more or less to my own devices. I began to take books with me to put down the time. If I wasn’t going to work myself to death, I might as well learn something. It was better than wanking myself to death I concluded, thinking of all the starched hankies under my pillow.

I was alternating between reading Borstal Boy and The Ginger Man when it suddenly clicked what had been niggling me.  Barney Berry, one of the characters in Donleavy’s book was none other than Behan himself!.  I speculated on whether they had known each other; Behan rolling in and out of places such as McDaids or Mary The Whore’s, Donleavy following along making notes…

Or maybe he was rolling too… Sebastian Dangerfield…. now who was he based on…

You had to hand it to Behan.  All his life he had been a drunkard, a layabout and a loudmouth – but he could write.  And he had the gift of the gab.

Reporter:  ‘What do you think of Canada, Mr Behan?’

‘Ah, ‘twill be grand when it’s finished’.

‘And what do you think of the Irish?’

‘Ah sure, God love them, if ‘twas raining soup they’d be out with knifes and forks’.

Maybe I liked him because he was working class. A house painter that had seen the gutter, had lain in the gutter, and hadn’t been afraid to write about it.  His description of the Dublin slums was something I could relate to.  I had seen poverty too, albeit in a rural environment.  But when it came down to it, there wasn’t much difference between stealing turnips from a market barrow or a farmer’s field.  His book about his time in Borstal was riveting

Between the bouts of working and reading there was plenty of fags and coffee to be had. I got the impression that some of the women liked having me around the house.  It was just that little bit…risky.  Maybe it turned them on; there were sometimes glimpses of thighs and stocking-tops, or a blouse undone a button more than was necessary. Lets face it, most of their husbands were miserable bastards, and they were stuck in this hole just as much as any of us prisoners – with little hope of remission.

I was trying to crack the seal on a stubborn pipe beneath the washbasin one morning when I noticed her standing there.  The woman of the house, looking down at me.  She had a cup of coffee in one had, the other was resting on her hip.

‘Do you know how to use that King Dick?’ she suddenly asked.

The monkey wrench fell from my grasp and I could only nod.

She knelt down beside me and placed a hand on my thigh.

‘That’s alright then.  Only my husband hasn’t got a clue about…things like that’.

She knew about King Dicks alright. Before I could say a word she had unzipped me and was squatting over me, her hands gripping the edge of the basin to give her leverage. It didn’t take too long.  The next morning – and most subsequent ones – I returned to the flat for what we now called my ‘elevenses’.  The screw, I learned, was also occupied.  She told me he was conducting affairs with several of the women.  I never found out who though, because he never talked about it.  It was as if our sessions with the women never took place; he showed me the flats we were to work on each morning and that was it.

I sometimes thought of him as screw that did a bit of plumbing, but mostly it was as a plumber who did a bit of screwing. I could see now why he wanted to drag the job out.  Afterwards, I wondered why the wives indulged in this little game of theirs.  I didn’t flatter myself that I was the only one singled out; there were other gangs – carpenters and painters – and I was sure they got similar privileges. It had to be because of boredom; it was a dreary fucking hole if you didn’t have to be there; ‘having it off’ with a prisoner was their way of bringing a bit of excitement into a drab existence.

Christmas, normally one of the loneliest times in prison, didn’t bother me at all.  Most of my Christmas’s since leaving home had been shitty anyway.  Seeing all that happiness on the faces of others made me want to puke. There was a festive air about the prison; the screws even locked you up with a smile.   It amused me to see slices of turkey, Brussels sprouts, roast potatoes and plum pudding all heaped together on one steel tray. But not so much as to make me want to ape Jet Lag, who alternated a forkful of meat and gravy with one of pudding. There was even some hooch, brewed from ingredients spirited out of the kitchen.  A small glass of it immobilised Lefty and had him howling like a dog on the floor.  After that we diluted it.

I even got religion for the day, attending Mass. Religion was optional here. Not like Wandsworth – where I tried to have atheist written on my cell card. ‘You have to have a religion’, the landing screw had insisted, so I put down Jehovah Witness.  This meant I was effectively excused religious duties, there being no service for this particular sect. Instead, I took a perverse satisfaction at watching Songs Of Praise on Sunday nights, following the camera as it panned over the unsuspecting audience.  I would select the most angelic face I could find and invest it with the vilest characteristics I could dream up.

The highlight of Christmas day was the concert, put on by a bunch of local do-gooders.  It was beyond me that people were willing to give up their boozing and celebrating to come and entertain us.

‘They must be facking mad’, said Lefty, who, like most of us, had put in an appearance only in the hope of seeing a bit of tit or leg on display.

Soon it was New Year and before I knew it I was on my last week.  I hadn’t really thought much about freedom before, but now that it was staring me in the face I became apprehensive.  What would I do?  Where would I go?  I felt no different about life then when I came in, so what had it taught me?  I was wiser perhaps, but I felt no better for the experience.

Was I a hardened criminal?  I doubted it.  Hardened criminals were a bit of a myth in Mousehold as far as I could see.  The system weeded out the real hard cases and sent them to where they could act like James Cagney. Most of the cons I was acquainted with were like myself – lonely and mixed up. They missed their wives, their girlfriends, and their families.  Some got ‘Dear- John’ letters and cracked up.   Sometimes they didn’t get them and still cracked up. And sometimes the screws didn’t wait for them to crack up, but banged them up in chokey before giving them the letter. Some were like Jet Lag; pathetic no-hopers who couldn’t make up their minds where the real world lay – inside or outside.  Me?  I had no doubts. I wasn’t planning to come back.

The afternoon before my release I said goodbye to all my friends.  I was then taken to reception to return all my prison belongings.  In return, I received my Timex watch, ten shillings and sixpence, a travel warrant and my own clothes.  To be fair to the prison, they had cleaned and pressed my dark suit and cream shirt, so that I was leaving cleaner than when I arrived. I felt nearly human again as I was taken to the holding area to await my freedom next morning.

At seven am the gates clanged shut behind the group of us that been freed.  Loved ones, friends who had been holding a dawn vigil, surged forward to kiss and hug us.  Two burly coppers greeted me.  They didn’t hug or kiss me, but re-arrested me and told me I was being escorted to Heathrow for deportation.

It had never occurred to me before, but I realised I was afraid of flying.  I had never seen the inside of a plane before; all I knew was that passengers climbed steep steps, disappeared inside those enormous bellies, and that was it.  For all I knew they could be eaten alive once inside.

Well It was too fucking late now, I was flying whether I liked it or not.

My two companions seated either side of me in this greasy spoon, were there to ensure that I did.  Deported, slung out on my ear, the ignominy of it.  I had done my time, paid my debt to society, why couldn’t they leave it at that?  What had I ever done to England to deserve the big boot in the arse?  And why couldn’t it be by boat?  It was good enough for Brendan Behan.

‘D’you want a sandwich Paddy?’ one of the coppers asked me.  His heavy blue tweed overcoat contrasted sharply with my own lightweight suit.  I could see the fields through the window, grey with frost.   Jesus, my knackers were about to drop off.

‘What county are we in?’ I asked, washing down the greasy bacon with sweet tea.

‘Bedfordshire’, came the reply.

I looked around.  Flat, barren land as far as the eye could see.

‘It must be the arsehole of England then’.  I laughed at their proximity to me.  Any nearer and they’d both be sitting on my lap.  ‘Afraid I might make a run for it?  Where would I hide?  Under a stone?’

They both laughed, then the older one took out a packet of Embassy and offered them round.

‘Only doin’ our job Pat.  We have to make sure you get on that plane.  We don’t want no slip-ups, see?’

I took several deep drags.  There hadn’t been many of them in the past year.

‘What age are you, Paddy?’ It was the younger ones turn now.

‘Twenty four’.

‘Got any family?’

‘I had a brother but he’s dead’.  Poor Fergus.

‘’I expect your mum and dad’ll be glad to see you’.

I nodded, but inside I knew it wasn’t true. I hadn’t spoken to my old man for more than five years.  And my mum, well…since Fergus died I had no idea how she might be feeling towards me.

‘What devilish crime did you commit?  It must be something big to get you chucked out…’

I shrugged.  ‘I robbed a few pubs is all’   A few thousand quid I could do with right now.

He shook his head.  Couldn’t understand it, he said.

‘Still, you must have it stashed away, eh?’

I laughed.  ‘I gave it all to William Hill’. I had too.  Every fucking penny.

‘Gambling?  So that’s what got you into this mess?’

I nodded.  ‘Fast women and slow horses’.  It was mostly the latter though. The only fast woman around was Tessa…

The older one stubbed his butt on his saucer. ‘Here’s some free advice, lad.  Keep your money in your pocket. Only one lot get rich from gambling – and it’s not mugs like you.  My uncle gambled everything he owned – and quite a lot that he didn’t – and he wound up jumping off the Mersey Bridge….’

I had heard it all before.  Same song, different singer.  There was a long-playing record of it spinning permanently inside my head. Still, it passed the time till we got to Heathrow. Boarding time soon came round, where the sight of my expulsion order soon wiped the welcome off the stewardess’s face.

‘Don’t come back Pat’, said the one whose uncle had jumped.

‘No fucking way’, I replied.” “

AUGHINISH

After about a year of chopping down trees I got a job as a welder in the new chemical plant that was being built on Aughinish Island on the Shannon Estuary. As you know, I learned the trade of welding whilst in prison. Not with any great desire to pursue it as a career I have to say, merely to get myself out of the shithole that was Wandsworth prison.

If the course had been on how to milk giraffes I would still have applied for it just to get away! And here they were in Limerick crying out for welders for this construction job. They wanted hundreds of them and they weren’t to be had for love or money in Ireland. They were coming in from England, Scotland and Wales, even as far afield as France and Germany. They were also training people up in a welding school set up along the dock road in the city so desperate was the need. All in all, there were several hundred welders needed. This, along with all the other trades and labourers made it one of the biggest construction sites in Europe at the time. Would you believe that at its peak there were more than six thousand workers on site? We were practically falling over each other!

It was a far cry from my first few months there, when every week brought a new strike or walk-out. I suppose it was understandable in a way.  It was a very large operation, and there were various unions representing different trades, all fighting their own corner. I believe there were no fewer than thirteen different unions at one stage; The Boilermakers, the EPTU, the TGWU, The Electricians Union are a few that come to mind, and they were all determined to get the best deal for their members.

Each union had it’s own shop steward representing them. I represented the Boilermakers, and when a shop steward committee was formed I was elected chairman of this committee, and of course was in the firing line and getting it in the neck from all sides.

It became a free-for-all; in the end the management shut down the site and locked us all out for nine weeks.

By now it was national news; massive newspaper and media coverage, with allegations of ‘reds under the beds’ and various communist plots, with yours truly being one of the alleged ringleaders. I took it all in my stride until I realized I was being manipulated by all sides. Not just the management; my own side weren’t averse to loading the gun and expecting me to fire the bullets.

After nine weeks we were selectively re-employed – I think they hoped to weed out the troublemakers in this way, although if that was the case then I slipped through the net!

Anyway, the new bonus scheme gave us a chance to earn some real money-  if we were prepared to work for it.  Some weren’t, but I was, and as a result I was eventually offered a job as a welding supervisor.

This was the period of the H-Blocks and the blanket protests in Northern Ireland and being a very strong Nationalist region there was a lot of anti British sentiment about. One English crane driver didn’t take it seriously enough and flew a Union Jack above his cab. He was asked to take it down but wouldn’t, and five minutes later was on his way to hospital with a broken jaw. He was flown straight back to England as soon as his jaw was wired up.

 Every morning for months and months the approach to the site entrance was lined with ‘blanket protesters’ making their own personal protest about the vile H-blocks.

I was never particularly pro Sinn Fein or the IRA, but the prison protest was a legitimate one, if only because of the decision taken by the British Government to deem the conflict a criminal conspiracy and to deny that there was any just cause for resistance to British rule and policy in Northern Ireland. It was an insult to all the brave dead Irishmen who had gone before.

The reason the name stuck was because the IRA prisoners refused to wear uniform in protest at being criminalized. All they were given to wear instead was a blanket, and they were confined to their cells with a loss of all privileges such as exercise, newspapers and tobacco.

The protests led ultimately to the hunger strikes.

            They came and came their job the same

            In relays n’er they stopped.

            ‘Just sign the line’, they shrieked each time

            And beat me till I dropped.

            They tortured me quite viciously

They threw me in the air

            It got so bad it seemed I had

            Been beat beyond repair

This is the opening of a long poem by Bobby Sands, called ‘The Crime Of Castlereagh’ about his time in custody at Castlereagh. It was written less than a year before his death in 1981. I am trying to remember now how I felt on that fateful day when he paid the ultimate price for his hunger strike. I think the dominant emotion was rage; rage that the British Government didn’t take the protest seriously enough. They didn’t believe the hunger strikers would carry it through to the bitter end. Had they learned nothing from history?  John Mitchell, Tom Clarke, O’Donovan Rossa all left their stamp on Irish republicanism in much the same manner.

The Aughinish site itself was a money-spinner for the IRA. Every Friday was collection day. At the various canteens throughout the complex the collection buckets went round without fail; Irishman, Englishman, Scotsman, German, it didn’t matter what your nationality was you were still expected to contribute to the bucket. It was blackmail of course, but those in charge turned a convenient blind eye to it. Well, I am sure they didn’t want the possibility of bombs going off on their six hundred million pound investment!

At that time the IRA had various sources of generating income. Robbing the security vans that transported money to and from banks was one of them. These were easy pickings until the government decided to provide them with escorts in the shape of an armed army convoy. Not to be daunted, the IRA turned to robbing the banks themselves. The local one in Askeaton, a few miles from the site, where, on Friday afternoons, those who wished to cash their pay cheques were given time off to do so, became one of their targets. This resulted in all the customers and staff being given a fireworks display before being forced to lie on the floor while they helped themselves to what cash was readily available.

Of course I know that you yourself were caught up in such a raid in the bank in Kilmac during that period, and looking back on it I don’t think you ever fully recovered from the experience. As I recall, you were one of only a couple of witnesses, and you were forced to lie spread-eagled on the floor while they ransacked the tills. I believe you saw the face of one of the robbers. The Guards expected you to give evidence, but at the end of the day you couldn’t bring yourself to go into the witness box.  I can’t say I blame you.

 I think it was around d this time that you developed the trouble with ‘your nerves’, and every year around the same time you needed to spend some time in hospital for electric shock therapy. The IRA has a lot to answer for. That is why, when I see the likes of Adams and McGuinness trying to justify their early years, my stomach turns.  Oh, they don’t totally deny their IRA connections; they just didn’t see –or were involved in– any of the atrocities committed in the name of Republicanism. And there is no justification in them trying to say that the other side was worse. It is hardly the point, is it?

 As elected representatives and NI Ministers – I am sure you would laugh if you knew McGuinness was made Minister for Education – I wonder how they can square that with their consciences? Someone once wrote that the past was another country; In their case I think we are talking about another galaxy.

Your loving son

Tom

CAPPAMORE

Dear mother

I suppose you were glad when I settled in Limerick in the late 1970’s. It meant that you would see more of us.  Well, Karen anyway. Driving seventy miles from Limerick to Waterford was a lot easier than driving three hundred from London to Fishguard before crossing on the ferry to drive another seventy miles from Rosslare to Ballyhussa. I couldn’t have any excuse not to visit you more often now, could I!

Cappamore choose us rather than the other way round. We  had been living in cramped conditions at the Hickey farm a few miles away in Croughlahan and someone suggested that if we intended to stay around  the house in Cappamore was available  at a reasonable rent.

Staying at the farm with Margaret’s brother had only been a temporary arrangement in any case, more of an extended holiday if you like., but the longer we stayed the harder we found it to make the journey back to London.

We had to a certain degree burned our bridges there. Or, in my case, demolished them. The council flat we occupied in Harlesden had been ‘sub-let’ to another family so we had nowhere to return to. We couldn’t in any case because I had practically demolished the roof of the house next door a week before our hurried departure.

This had come about because of the nightmare of having to live next to a group of squatters, most of them drug users, who played loud music at all hours of the day and night. And by loud I mean cups and saucers dancing on the table from the vibration. The police had been round but they were worse than useless, so one night, fortified with drink, I had climbed on to their roof and smashed it in with a shovel that I had found in a nearby skip.

Several of the squatters, one armed with a knife, had tried to get to me on the roof, but I was in no mood to take prisoners so none of them got brave enough. If one had I probably would have killed him or been killed myself. In the end they tried to dislodgeme by pelting me with broken tiles from the relative safety of the pavement beneath me

By the time the police arrived most of their roof was in their back garden or down  below in the street, and I made my escape by clambering along the roofs of adjoining houses until I judged I was far enough to be unseen.

We spent the next few nights with Margaret’s sister. I arranged to ‘sell’ the lease on the flat to friends who had a young baby and who were desperate for a place. I returned under the cover of darkness a few times to collect all our personal belongings.

I suppose Cappamore would be comparable to Kilmac both in size and composition. A thriving country town with the usual clutter of shops and services, including a convent, a creamery, a Garda Station and a pub on every corner. For the more discerning shopper Limerick city was less than ten miles away; or if that was too far there was Cappamore’s bigger sister, Doon, a couple of miles away. ‘Miserable Doon’, as some poet once described it. Although I don’t think he ever went as far as John Betjeman, who urged German bombers to rain their missiles down on Slough.

            Come friendly bombs and rain on Slough

            It’s not fit for humans now

            Blow to bits and smithereens

            Those air-conditioned bright canteens…

I got work felling trees with Margaret’s two brothers in the hills outside the village of Morroe, a few miles away. This was on Forestry Commission land where large pockets of trees had been flattened by storms the previous winter. The newly opened chipboard factory in Scarrif had purchased the timber, and we were employed to cut it and get it to the roadside where it could be loaded on to lorries for transport to the factory. Most of it lay in a tangled mass on the side of the hills and we were supplied with chainsaws and horses to cut it and haul it to the access points.

This whole region was – and probably still is – poteen-making country. People made poteen here like others made homemade wine and beer, and it wasn’t too long before we discovered a still hidden away in the hills. It was in an old disused forestry workmen’s shed, well off the beaten track and long forgotten by everyone. Except the poteen maker, of course! Inside was all the equipment needed to make the uisce beatha, and a supply of turf to heat the brew.  There was even running water, taken from the stream running past a few yards overhead, to cool the copper worm when it got too hot

. A burnt patch of heather on the slope behind the shed puzzled me for a long time. I mentioned it to father one day and he said it was tradition of poteen-makers to give the first part of the distillation to the fairies by pouring it over the heather.

 A slab of creamery butter resting on the inside window ledge of the solitary window bothered me for much longer. Nobody knew what its purpose was. It is only recently that I learned that a small knob of butter was placed in the vessel to get the gravity right. Poteen and water were then poured in until the butter floated midway in the liquid.

            Enough running water

            Too cool the copper worm

            The veins at the wrist

            Vitriol to scorch the throat…

The above are some word from the poem ‘Poteen’ by Michael Longley.

It didn’t take too long to discover that the poteen maker was Tom Kemp, a local farmer who seemed to spend more time up in the hills than tending to his land.  Some in the area suspected he was making it and the Gardai had made several searches in the locality but the hut was to remote for anybody to come across it by accident. We had only stumbled on it because one of our horses had strayed away one night, and our search for him the following morning had brought us upon it. After that we sometimes watched his movements to try to find out where he kept his stock. I bought an old pair of binoculars in a second-hand shop in a Limerick and discovered that he was hiding it in the hayrick in his haybarn. After that it was easy to remove a number of bottles when he was out and about in the hills. Later, we even substituted bottles of water for the poteen so it is fair to assume that he had some dissatisfied customers for a while. A postscript to the story is that a little while later the Gardia did discover a still in Cappamore itself – in an empty house a couple of doors away from the Station itself!

The hills around Morroe, and Keeper Hill behind the nearby village of Rearcross, reminded me that this was Galloping Hogan country, whose story you had told to me many times as a child.

Michael Galloping Hogan, from the village of Doon, at the foot of the Sliebh Phelim hills, was a soldier in Patrick Sarsfield’s army, and was helping in the preparations to defend the city of Limerick from William of Orange’s marauding forces. Twenty five thousand men, fresh from victory at the Battle of the Boyne, were camped on the outskirts of the city, awaiting the arrival of a siege train of heavy artillery from Waterford, which, when it was in position, would level the protecting walls of the city, thus allowing them to capture it.  A deserter from the Williamites stole into the city and made Sarsfield aware of the approach of the siege train.

A plan was drawn up in which Sarsfield and a small force would ride out of the city under cover of darkness and ambush the siege train before it got to the Williamite forces. Galloping Hogan, who knew the area intimately, volunteered to lead them through the surrounding hills.  Under his guidance they climbed over the Silvermine Mountains and down the west side of Keeper Hill and made their way through Knockfine and into Rearcross, before lying low in the vicinity of Glengar. From here you could see right across the Mulcair Valley as far as the Galtee Mountains. A couple of days later they spotted the siege train coming through the pass. They were able to follow its progress as it snaked through the low lying countryside between the hills. Nearing dark, it rested for the night near Ballyneety castle, some ten miles from the city.

As soon as it was quiet Sarsfield and his men stole down from the hills, meeting an old woman who had been selling apples to the Williamite soldiers and who had learned the password. It was Sarsfields own name!

They approached the camp and challenged the sentries, Sarsfield shouting; ‘ Sarsfield is the word and Sarsfield is the man’.  They overwhelmed the sleeping camp; standing in their stirrups, charging left and right, cutting down any body that got it their way. They then gathered all the heavy artillery, guns and ammunition  together and blew the lot to smithereens, leaving a crater so large that it is still visible today.

Thus the first siege of limerick was lifted. But the war continued until the Treaty of Limerick was signed in 1691. However, Galloping Hogan refused to accept the treaty and left Ireland with the last contingent of ‘Wild Geese’ to sail from Cork a few months later. He ended his career in exile, fighting as a senior officer in the Portuguese army. Patrick Sarsfield, too, was forced to flee, and was killed in action fighting for the French at the battle of Landen in 1693.

I didn’t know then, mother, what attracted you to military men. Men like Galloping Hogan and Patrick Sarsfield, and the countless others who went to fight in a foreign land and never returned. Now that I know your own father was a soldier, I think I understand a little better.

You only ever visited Limerick city a couple of times to my knowledge. What did you think of it?  I expect you found it a lot more rough and ready than sedate Waterford. I don’t know if it was called ‘stab city’ back in those days, but I expect it was. I do recall your surprise one Sunday morning as we drove through Southill, on the outskirts of the city, and were confronted by horse-and-jarvey racing on the main road. This was all part of the entertainment the travelers, who had made much of Southill their own at that time, had dreamed up to keep themselves amused.  Horse-and-jarvey racing wasn’t the surprise; merely the fact that they were using the main Waterford/Limerick road as the racetrack. Doing things differently was nothing new for the traveling community. Their animals occupied most of the council houses that they had been allocated in the area while they themselves lived in caravans parked in the driveways. Not that this was any comedown as most of the caravans were big, shiny and brash, a lot more impressive-looking than the houses.

The tinkers you called them – and I suppose you were right. No matter what labels people stuck on them they were still the tinkers. Sundays were the only times they had the jarvey-racing, but there was still plenty of excitement on other days as they rode their horses and ponies bareback around the roads, giving the whole area a Wild West feel.

I always felt the weight of Limerick’s historic past bearing down on me whenever I wandered through the older parts of the town.  Particularly Thomondgate, where some of the old walls that gave shelter to Patrick Sarsfield and many others still stand, and the old bridge across the Shannon, where the horses carrying John Scanlon, the murderer of the Colleen Bawn, stopped and refused to go any further. It is said that Scanlon then marched across the bridge himself to his execution at Gallows Green.

I am sure you recall the story of the Colleen Bawn.  I still have the book you gave me all those years ago about the tragic events and I am now trying to write a stage play about it. Dion Boucicault wrote a fictional version of it many years ago, but mine will be based on the true happenings. The following is a brief account of the facts;

In the autumn of 1819 the people of Limerick – indeed the whole country – were profoundly shocked by the discovery of the brutal murder of a young peasant girl, Ellie Hanley.

The victim, not quite sixteen years of age, was of outstanding beauty.  In addition, she was of a bright and friendly disposition, which endeared her to all who knew her in the tight knit community of Ballycahane, near the village of Croom in county Limerick.

On June 29, 1819 she disappeared from the house of her uncle, John Connery, by whom she had been reared after the death of her mother when she was six years old. From the time of her disappearance nothing was heard of her until September 6th when her body was washed ashore at Moneypoint on the Clare side of the river Shannon, bearing unmistakable evidence that she had been murdered.

This appalling crime created feelings of horror and pity among all classes. Eventually, two arrests were made; the first a man in his twenties, John Scanlon, son of one of the leading families in the county, and until recently a lieutenant in the Royal Navy. The second arrest, months later, was of Scanlon’s boatman and general servant, Stephan Sullivan.

Both men were brought to trial and charged with her murder, but at different times, as Sullivan had gone on the run soon after the discovery of the body and was not arrested until May of 1820, some six months after Scanlon had been taken into custody, and two months after he was tried.

The trail of Scanlon created a big sensation, partly owing to the high social position of the family, partly because of the extreme youth and beauty of his victim, and partly because he was defended by Daniel O’Connell, the Liberator. As the trial progressed it became apparent that Scanlon had persuaded Ellie to abscond with him, taking all her uncle’s savings in the process. There were suggestions that they had been secretly married in Limerick city – certainly Ellie herself believed it  – but no records were ever found to confirm this.

In Glin, a village in west Limerick, where Scanlon had taken Ellie to stay, disenchantment soon set in.  Scanlon was more interested in fishing and drinkin with his friends than in presenting Ellie as his wife. Perhaps he realized she could never fit in his social circle, but he was soon looking for ways to rid him of her. Sullivan was a willing accomplice, and when he concluded that murder was the only was out it was Sullivan who took her out in a boat, clubbed her unconscious, and threw her bound and weighted body into the river.

Despite the overwhelming evidence against Scanlon, O’Connell almost got him acquitted, the jury failing to agree before being sent from the court to try again to reach a verdict. Duly found guilty this time, he was sentenced to hang at Gallows Green on March 16th 1820, where he declared ‘may the gates of Paradise be ever shut against me if I hand, act or part in the crime for which I am now about to suffer.  If Sullivan is found my innocence will appear’.

Sullivan was not captured until four months later, when, in Tralee goal awaiting charges relating to passing forged notes, he was recognized. His trial excited almost as much interest as that of his master. Many people had believed that Scanlon was the victim of a miscarriage of justice – here at last was the chance to prove it.

Despite urging from many quarters, Sullivan could not be persuaded. He went to the gallows on 27th July 1820 declaring; ‘I swear before almighty God that I am guilty of the murder, but it was Mr. Scanlon who put me up to it’.

It’s a much different city nowadays, although Hanrattys Hotel in Bridge Street, which was a known haunt of Scanlon’s, still exists there. If indeed he did dupe Ellie into thinking he had married her I like to think he might have planned it in there. My belief is he got Sullivan to pose as a priest and some sort of ceremony took place that was real enough to convince Ellie.

                                    ……………………………………………….

AMAZON/KINDLE BEST-SELLER

AMAZON/KINDLE BEST SELLER by Tom O’Brien

I see that I am at number 1,205,646

In the Amazon/Kindle best-seller list

Again

Last week I was at number 650,249

And the previous week 233,184

Or was that the week before?

I don’t think I have got into the top 100

Yet

I like to see the wild fluctuations in the list

Thousands of points variation

Mean lots of sales, innit?

Though I must confess

It puzzles me a little bit

Because according to Amazon’s

Own – very reliable – sales chart

I sold no books at all last week

And only one all last month

So Amazon/Kindle

Here’s my conclusion

You must be one cupid stunt

THERE WILL COME SOFT RAINS

THERE WILL COME SOFT RAINS by Sara Teasdale

(War Time)

There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground,
And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;

And frogs in the pools singing at night,
And wild plum trees in tremulous white,

Robins will wear their feathery fire
Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;

And not one will know of the war, not one
Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree
If mankind perished utterly;

And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn,
Would scarcely know that we were gone.

Sara Teasdale