THE SHINY RED HONDA (3)

             Chapter two

Every year on St Brigids’ eve my mother hung a black tie or a strip of black cloth on the outside of our front door.  She said that when St Brigids’ spirit passed over that night some of her healing powers would rub off on the cloth.  After that, whenever one of us complained of a headache she got out her ‘Breegie’s Belt’ and tied it tightly round our heads, telling us it would take the pain away.  It usually worked too. My father would shake his head and mutter something about ‘pisrogues’, but he himself wasn’t immune to strange behaviour..  Every time we passed a fairy ring for instance, he took off his cap and saluted.  ‘The little people’, he insisted, ‘one day you’ll see them yourself, and then the grin will be on the other side of your face.’.

The first day of May saw another ritual enacted.  Young nettles were collected from the side of the boreen and boiled in a skillet over our open fire.  Each of us then had to eat a plateful – with mother standing over us to make sure we did.  This was repeated three times throughout the month,  after which we were all pronounced safe from all harm for the next twelve months.

‘There was a healthy mistrust of doctors in our house.  ‘Time enough to call them when you’re dying’, father would say.  For both of them the old remedies were the best.  Boils and blood-poisoned cuts were treated by applying hot bread poultices.  Nettle-water was good for stomach ailments.  The only medicines used with any frequency were castor oil, cod liver oil and syrup-of-figs. Castor oil was used to treat ear aches, heated and poured into the ear – excruciating enough – but it was cod liver oil that was the bane of our lives.  Mother swore by it and poured it down our gullets for all sorts of ailments. The disgusting, oily taste lingered inside you for hours afterwards.

Nettle stings were a frequent occurrence in our short-trousers days, the quickest relief being obtained by rubbing a dock-leaf on the afflicted area. And to remove warts all you needed was a snail, rubbing the sticky substance on the wart. You then speared the snail to a blackthorn tree, and as it shrivelled up so did the wart.

Once, when I dislocated my ankle playing hurling at school, it wasn’t to the doctor or the hospital that mother took me but to the bone-setter in Dungarvan.  This man operated from a dingy back room above a shop and I was in agony as I was carried up the stairs.  Within minutes the bone-setter was massaging my leg and talking soothingly to me. A few quick movements with his hands and the bone slid back into place.  The relief from pain was instantaneous and I walked down the stairs under my own steam. It had cost ten shillings.  Not that a fee was ever mentioned, but I had seen the money discreetly change hands and disappear into my saviour’s pocket quicker than he had fixed my ankle.

The arrival of St Brigid’s day saw father come out of hibernation. The month of January had been a time to recharge his batteries, but the first day of February saw him surrounded by an assortment of tools, all laid out on the old pine table in the back shed.  There were hammers, saws, pincers, crosscuts and billhooks.  He never bought anything if he could make it himself; chairs, window-frames, doors, he hacked away at bits of wood with his selection of implements fashioning functional furniture and fittings.  When these tools needed new handles he wouldn’t dream of buying new ones.  Weren’t there plenty of trees about? The billhook was his favourite tool; he made an armchair once using mostly this implement, that had pride of place in the kitchen, and that no one else dared sit in except him.  It was hard and upright; its only concession to comfort a chaff-filled cushion, but when he sat on it seemed to be part of him. 

My grandfather, Tom O’Brien, had once made a horses cart for Sheehan’s, the next-door farmers, using mainly a billhook.  It must have been a grand affair altogether for I had often heard it talked about afterwards by people in the neighbourhood. It may also account for father’s attachment to the humble billhook.

We youngsters were delighted when inspection time came round for it meant a trip across the fields for us.  There would be river banks and bogs to cross, maybe even ice-covered ponds to negotiate.

Plenty of small groves lay dotted about, mostly pine or spruce, though not so suitable as handle material.  What father was after was a reasonably straight branch of ash or beech. Having found something suitable he hacked all the branches off it with his billhook before taking the saw to it.  It wasn’t very elegant when it was pared and fitted to the implement but it did the job.

We were more interested in the animal signs we encountered along the way.  Burrows were thoroughly investigated; rabbit warrens were fairly easy to recognise as the droppings were a giveaway.   We studied the ground for signs of a path, somewhere suitable for a snare, and set our traps for the unsuspecting animals, checking them every morning to see if they bore fruit.  Fox dens were rarer sights; those suspected of being so always aroused father’s interest.  Hens and pullets disappeared on a regular basis despite his efforts to protect, and any suspected den got ‘the treatment’.  Entrances were sealed up, others stuffed with oil-soaked rages and set alight.  Either the foxes got used to smoking or they utilised other, secret, escape routes for very few were captured this way.

Badgers were rarer still; shy creatures that only came out at night.  Our Jack Russell knew all about their ferocity, having once been encouraged down what we mistakenly thought was a rabbit hole.  He came back with a bit of his ear missing.

Ballyhussa boreen was roughly two miles long.  Winding and overgrown, it degenerated to little more than a cart track once past our house.  Clumps of ash and beech and the remains of several old farmyards were the only evidence that life had once existed beyond us. ‘The last outpost’, was how Dick Galvin referred to our house; and indeed there were days on end when our only companions were the cattle and sheep in the nearby fields.

Like most of our neighbours, father grew all his own vegetables, and when we were big enough we were enlisted to help. About three quarters of our acre was under grass, the remainder being sown with potatoes. Every few years the tilled section was rotated to minimise the risk of disease.

Work started by raking up all the old stalks and burning them.  When father was satisfied he would spit on his hands, tilt the peak of his cap heavenwards and begin.  He favoured a long-handled fork called a sprong, an implement which seemed to acquire the properties of a mechanical digger in his hands.  Biting deep into the soil, he turned over a hefty chunk of it and pulverised it with a mighty whack from his sprong before it had time to settle.  Dig, tilt, whack…dig, tilt, whack…this was the way he worked all  through the day, except for the occasional pause to spit on his hands or push the cap back on his head.  The exposed soil was then left for a few weeks for the elements to break it up some more.

When the acre was finished there were several more plots requiring similar treatment.. Our acre was the only bit of land he owned; the others he paid a few shillings a year for their use.  The Bungalow was an overgrown wilderness with a gate that hadn’t opened for years.  Once a farmyard, it had been the home of Michael Francis Sheehan, a local poet who had published a book of poetry. Afterwards, it became part of Kelly’s farm, and galvanised bungalow was built for Jimmy Kiersey and his family.  Jimmy worked as a farmhand at Kelly’s but had long since moved to a council house in nearby Ballyshunnock.  The farmyard was now a warren of ivy-covered walls and stone floors, but there were still some fertile patches among the ruins.  It was here that father grew his onions, cabbages and carrots.  The bungalow still stood and he used this for rearing his few calves.

Once the digging was finished the preparations for sowing began in earnest.  The dunghill at the back of the house was demolished; wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of it trundled across the acre and deposited over the dug area.  The dunghill was a strange mixture of animal manure, ashes and household waste.  When disturbed it steamed copiously and stank of urine.  Father believed passionately in this concoction and never used anything else on his vegetables.  There was also a dunghill in The Bungalow and this, too, was demolished.  Any surplus was scattered on the acre to promote the grass, or taken to the Bog – father’s other bit of land.

The Bog was too far away to use the wheelbarrow so we used our ass and cart to transport it there.  Neddy, our ass, spent most of his time with the sheep in the Bog, except during the coldest winter months when he lived in a shed behind the house.  There were, in fact, a row of sheds out back; the cow-house, the hen house, the pig house, all built by father over the years.  We called them the tar-barrel houses.  At various times father collected empty barrels from the Tannery, cut the bottoms out using a cold-chisel and hammer, then split them down the middle and hammered them into flat sheets.  These he used for roofing the wooden-frame sheds, waterproofing them with tar he got from friends who worked for the county council.

Neddys cart occupied a lean-to at the side of  the block, where it spent most of its time keeled up, shafts pointing skywards.  It had at last been converted to rubber-tyre wheels by Bat Mansfield, the blacksmith who had a forge at Dunphy’s Cross.  Its noiseless, easy movement after years of grinding metal-rimmed wheels must have surprised even Neddy because he actually consented to pull it these days. Previously he had to be beaten to do so. 

Neddy’s spell of inactivity during the winter months caused his hooves to grow long, consequently they needed paring before he could be tackled up.  This could be a tricky operation for Neddy could kick harder than a mule – usually without any warning.  Father reduced the risk somewhat by tying his back legs together when he wasn’t working on them.  He then hoisted a free leg between his thighs and carved away at the hoof with his curved ‘leather knife’.  He owned a selection of these, all honed to such sharpness he reckoned he could shave himself with one.  When he had pared enough of the hoof away he smoothed it down with a rasp, before fitting shoes specially made by Bat Mansfield.   He hammered the nails home till they came through the side of the hoof, clinching them to keep them in place.

I wondered if Neddy felt any pain as he stood there, stoically chewing on a sop of hay  as the nails were hammered in.  Where was all the blood?  Shouldn’t he be spouting the stuff?  There was a picture of the Crucifixion at school, with Our Lord’s hands dripping blood where the nails pinned him to the cross. Maybe animals didn’t bleed like humans.  They certainly didn’t bawl like them.  When the Master asked Tomjoe Power what the letters INRI on the Cross stood for, and he said ‘Iron Nails Ran In’, you could hearing him roaring two fields away as he was dragged around the classroom by his ear.

Tackling up Neddy was usually my job.  Once the winkers was on I fitted the collar and hames, the collar being buckled around his neck and the hames fitted over it.  A piece of thin rope secured around the ears of the hames held it in position.  The saddle was then slipped on and the belly-band tightened to hold it in place.  After that the cart was dragged into position and the chain loops between the shafts attached to the broad groove in the saddle.  All that then remained was for the traces to be linked to the hames.

Choosing the seed potatoes was the next chore, and usually occupied a weekend.  There were two potato pits; one for the seed potatoes and one for the eaters.  These pits always reminded me of miniature thatched cottages; oblong, triangular-shaped mounds covered with straw and rushes to keep out the frost. The bottoms were banked up with earth to keep the rats at bay.

We carried the spuds to a bench in buckets, where father would do the ‘choosing’. They were examined carefully and any bad one discarded.  By now they were beginning to sprout; dark ‘eyes’ shooting out from their skins to show they were healthy.  The larger ones were sliced in two, the criteria being that each half possessed its own ‘eye’.  All were then stored in one of the outhouses to harden out and sprout some more before being sowed.

Father owned a long-handled shovel that he used for opening and closing drills.  It was of the kind I had seen council workers lean on by the roadside, so perhaps one of them had had given it to him.  He was deadly with it and shifted soil almost as fast as a horse-drawn plough.  I remember trying to ape his actions but it still took me a long time to get anywhere near as proficient.  He adopted a kind of crouch, knees slightly bent, arms extending and flicking scoops of soil to alternate sides.  He moved through the clay as if it was sand, never slackening his pace except for the regular spit on his hands.

We filled the furrows ahead of him with seed potatoes, laying them eyes up on the manure.  Each one had to be planted about a foot apart, and we used a wooden rod to space them.  No matter how hard we worked he was always right behind us, urging us ever faster.  When a drill was closed he tamped it down with the shovel to firm it up and break any lumpy bits of soil.  Finally he criss-crossed the area with timber pegs and strung binder twine between them.  This was to keep crows and other scavenging birds away.  He supplemented this by sticking a scarecrow in the middle; a wooden cross dressed up in an old trousers and jumper stuffed with straw, one of his old caps nailed on as a head.

Occasionally he hung a dead crow on a pole.  This, too, had the desired effect.  Once, he tried capturing a live one.  He had heard of somewhere in Cork

  where they caught the live ones and tied coloured streamers to them  before releasing them back among their compatriots.  It was reckoned to frighten the living daylights out of the rest of them.  He never got to prove the truth of it but he had no doubts; ‘those cute Cork hoors are fit for anything’.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

THE SHINY RED HONDA – extract

THE SHINY RED HONDA

 

BY

 

Tom O’Brien.

 

 

 

 

(c)  2013 Tom O’Brien

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed by a newspaper, journal or magazine.

First printing

Published by tomtom-theatre

Chapter one

I was thirteen tall and gangly when I first pulled on long trousers.  What a relief that was; I was the longest streak of misery you were ever likely to see in the short ones.  It was my last year at the National school in Newtown and the Master used every opportunity to drag me around the classroom shouting “just because you wear long trousers now O’ Brien, don’t think it makes you any smarter”.  I wasn’t and it didn’t, but the Master was a law unto himself so I just kept my gob shut. There were discussions about what, if any, further education I was to get. Dungarvan was out I heard my father say; it was too far away and the fares were too expensive. That only left the ‘Tech in Portlaw – and that seemed to totter from one financial crisis to the next.

            We were poor I guess; no running water, no toilets, to TV, no car…you name it we didn’t have it.  But then, money wasn’t as important as it is nowadays.  If you had enough to live on you were doing well.  If you didn’t you wouldn’t starve because the countryside was abundant in most of the things needed to survive.  Even the poorest cottage had half an acre of land attached, and enough spuds, cabbage and other vegetables could be grown to keep a family from the poorhouse.  Hens provided eggs every day, a pig could be fattened and killed; and if you couldn’t afford turf or coal, well, there was plenty of wood scattered about…

            My father worked in the Tannery in Portlaw, a Dickensian sprawl that tried to hide itself in the dense woodlands that ringed the town.  It was fronted by massive wrought iron gates and had a lodge that was occupied by a gateman called Foskin and his buck-toothed daughters.  A large square, bigger than the town itself it seemed, separated it from the streets that ran away from its outer rim. With names likes Georges Street, Brown Street and William Street the English influence was clear, and the only thing that differentiated one house from another was the colour of the doors.  But then, it was a company town and they were company houses.

            The first time I ever visited the Tannery was in our ass and cart with my father, to collect some empty barrels he had permission to remove.  He took me to see the tanning department and showed me the bench where he worked.  Here, he trimmed the hides prior to tanning, standing at a wooden table all day with his friend Bobby Haughton, dragging hides from a nearby pile, chopping the bad bits off.  The place stank of dead meat and the pile of skins was crawling with maggots.  They could have been abattoir workers; gowned up in their long aprons and wellingtons, constantly sharpening their hooked, wooden-handled knives.

            Hew was up at six every morning, breakfasted and gone by seven.  The six mile journey was negotiated on his high Nellie, which had only one gear and had to be pushed uphill.  He always wore bicycle clips and carried a pump and a repair kit in his lunch bag. Occasionally, when snow and ice made the road treacherous, he walked to work.  A day off was unthinkable.

            Portlaw had a bad reputation, like that of a loose woman.  Although he worked there all his life he never socialised or mixed with the locals.  He certainly never drank there.  And mother would never dream of doing her weekly shopping there.  People talked about Portlaw behind its back, yet on reflection it wasn’t any worse than Kilmac. Perhaps it was envy; it had the Tannery, the biggest employer in the region; it was surrounded by the magnificent estate of Curraghmore; it had the patronage of the titled gentry like the Marquis of Waterford.  And of course it boasted hurling and football teams that invariably kicked the shit out of the lumbering hopefuls of Newtown, Ballydurn and the outlying areas.. Mostly though it was the ‘townie’ culture that got up the country-folks noses; it was only a few miles from the city and ‘city-ways’ had rubbed off to some extent.

            Its reputation never bothered me.  I did manage to secure a place at the ‘Tech there and for eighteen months cycled daily, free-wheeling the last few miles from the Five Cross Roads down into the valley that housed it.  The ’Tech consisted of a couple of rooms in a large house on the edge of the Square,  where Mr Timmons taught us carpentry, ( we made shoe-boxes by the dozen, learned all about dove-tail joints, and made glue from boiled cow-hooves)  and a tall, willowy lady taught us the rudiments of book-keeping.  Neither pastime subsequently did me much good.

            We put our free time to good use, invading the forbidden territory of the Tannery, watching from behind bushes and trees, the activities going on in the distance.  One large shed was stacked with bales of various-coloured rubber and was ideal for playing the games of cowboys and Indians that we favoured. This rubber (I subsequently learnt ) was the raw material that was used in the moulding of the shoe-soles that were churned out by the thousand in the rubber department.  The Tannery itself produced no shoes, just soles, insoles and rolls of coloured leather.

            Sometimes we sat on the banks of the river Clodagh, reading our Kit Carson and Johnny Mack Brown comics, or practised our fast draws in the crouched style favoured by our heroes.  My favourite weapon was a long-barrelled Colt 44 with ivory handles and a proper revolving chamber, which I had saved for nearly a year to buy.  I took to wearing it to school, tucked inside the waistband of my trousers, until the day Miley Moore took it off me and broke it demonstrating his prowess as an outlaw.  Attempting to side-swipe me, he missed and clubbed a rock instead.  One half of it landed in the river, never to be seen again.

            There were other diversions.  Portlaw girls were supposed to be fast, something we discovered to be true, for no matter how hard we chased them we never managed to catch up.  Sometimes when the weather was nice the girls from the bakery sat sunning themselves on the opposite bank.  We admired their muscular arms and their floury faces, for very little else was visible beneath the long white coats and the elasticised head-coverings.

            Our learning curve may not have been very steep but the road home certainly was.  The homeward journey was hell; the long climb back to the Five Roads couldn’t have been more tiring if it had been up the face of the Comeragh Mountains themselves. Portlaw wasn’t in a valley I had often heard my father mutter, it was at the bottom of a bloody pit.

            There was also the little matter of getting safely past a particular farm.  A seventh son of a seventh son lived there and all sorts of peculiar happenings went on inside.  Sick animals and sick people traipsed in and out at all hours, ringworm was cured, and one woman who hadn’t said a word for twenty years suddenly started talking so much that her neighbours threatened to take her back and get the cure reversed.  It was best to bless oneself and cycle quickly past.

The Five Roads was a kind of staging post, where we all recovered our breaths before going our different ways.  A little whitewashed shop stood in the vee of two of the roads, where sweets and lemonade could be had over the half-door.  Miley Moore called it a shebeen and said you could get bottles of Porter and poteen there too if you were that way inclined. We tried this once and the old woman who owned the shop chased us out, with her besom swinging.  As we all took different routes she didn’t know which of us to follow, so she just stood in the middle of the road shaking her broom at us.

I eventually followed in my father’s footsteps.  My name had been down in the Tannery for years and as soon as I was old enough,  and a vacancy occurred, I was summoned.  I never gave it a second thought.  It was expected of me, and I suppose my father had pulled a few strings to get me in.

                             ………………………………………..to be continued

PECKER DUNNE – last of the travellers…contd.

A campfire. Singing and dancing. Pecker, wearing a hat is seated, drinking and enjoying himself. A red-haired girl, throws herself down beside Pecker. Soon they are laughing and cuddling.. 

PD:     What’s your name?

       MARY:   Me name’s Mary. What’s yours?

PD:     Arra, you can call me anything, so long as it’s not too early in the morning.

       MARY:   I like your hat. Where did you get it?

PD:     Well, I’ll tell you now; I was buskin’ over in Dingle a few days ago and this fella said to me ‘I’ll give you two euros if you play a good tune for me’, so I said ‘give me four and I’ll play a better one’. I did, and he was so happy he said ‘play me another one now and I’ll give you me hat’. I did, and now I’m wearing it. ‘That’s a good hat now, look after it’, he said, ‘I paid 140 dollars for that hat in Australia’

        MARY:  Are you goin’ to wear it to Puck Fair?

PD:     Begod I am. They might crown me King of The Fair tomorrow with that hat on me head. (the girl laughs, and Pecker says in an aside) I think I’m alright here.

      MARY:    Will you give me a dance at the fair?

PD:     I surely will. I’ll even give you two for good measure. (he drags her to her feet)  We’ll have a practice one now.

They dance close together for a moment. Suddenly there is a roar and a man jumps between them and shoves them apart.

MAN: That’s my wife, stranger. What do you say to that?

PD:     A careless man and his wife are soon parted, that’s what I say.  She needs controlling, man.

MAN:  Well, if she does itself, I’m the one to do it. 

He drags the girl away and shoves her to one side, then kicks out at Pecker and knocks him to the ground. Then he takes off his shirt and stands in the pose of a fighter, his bare fists raised. Someone shouts ‘clear a space’ as Pecker rises and takes off his shirt. He, too, raises his fists.  They circle each other for a while, throwing punches and missing. Then Pecker connects with a wild swing to the head. His opponent goes down, pole-axed.  He lays there not moving; someone comes up and tests for a pulse at the side of his neck.

MAN: There’s no pulse. I think he’s dead.

Pandemonium on the site for a few minutes. Screams and shouting. Then a police whistle is heard. A Guard Sergeant marches on and drags Pecker off.

Lights dim, then we see Pecker singing PORTLAOISE GAOL (c Pecker Dunne)

PD:                 For thirty years I’ve been a tinker,                                                                      I’ve tramped the mountain and the glen  I’ve courted girls in every county,        and I’ve fought the very best of men                                                                      I drank an awful lot of porter, I slept in sunshine, snow and gale                                   But the life I loved was taken from me, when I spent two years in Portlaoise    gaol.             

Portlaoise gaol it was tamed the tiger – try, me boys, to get bail                                T’was many a heart was stopped inside – inside the walls of Portlaoise gaol.                              

I joined a camp outside Kilorglin, the night before they crowned the king There was song and dance and plenty porter,                                                         with our wagons formed around the ring                                                           Then a foxy lass sat down beside me, bedad says I, I’m alright here                       But her husband rose and leapt between us,                                                     and knocked me down with a kick in the ear                                                                I hit him hard below the navel,, he hit the ground with a might wail                   His neck was broke, he died in seconds,                                                              and I spent Puck Fair in Portlaoise gaol.                                   

 Portlaoise gaol it was tamed the tiger – try, me boys, to get bail                               T’was many a heart was stopped inside – inside the walls of Portlaoise gaol.

End of scene

The campsite. A man, a local farmer comes into view, in a temper.

MAN: Hey, ya pikey bastard, did you steal that bit of lead off the roof of my cowhouse the other day?

PD:     I’ve been passing this way the last twenty years and the devil a bit of lead I ever saw on that roof. A few galvanised sheets, and they fallin down with the rust, but no lead.

MAN: I’ll call the Guards. I’ll get you moved on.

PD:     They won’t find any lead here.

MAN: Well, if it wasn’t you it was them friends of your in that transit van.

PD:     They weren’t friends of mine, whoever they were.

MAN: Well they were over from Rathkeale way then. That town is full of pikeys and knackers. They sold my wife a roll of carpet and when she unrolled it there was a big square missing in the middle.

PD:     More fool her then. Is that what this is about? Someone sold your wife dodgy bit of carpet and you blame me for it. How do you know they were travellers? Maybe they were townies.

MAN: They were pikeys. Just like you.

PD:     That’s not a very nice word. We’re travelling people, not pikeys.

MAN: Well you’re all tarred with the same brush, aren’t you?  Steal anything that’s not nailed down, you lot would.

PD:     Even invisible lead. How would it be if I called you a sod-buster or a cockie, or something else derogatory.

MAN: Look, why don’t up sticks and just head off. You know you’re not wanted around here.

PD:     It’s still a free country – I think

. He  sings a few verses from THE TRAVELLING PEOPLE ( (c) Ewan McColl)

PD:                 I’m a freeborn man of the travelling people
Got no fixed abode with nomads I am numbered
Country lanes and bye ways were always my ways
I never fancied being lumbered

Well we knew the woods and all the resting places
The small birds sang when winter time was over
Then we’d pack our load and be on the road
They were good old times for the rover

In the open ground where a man could linger
Stay a week or two for time was not your master
Then away you’d jog with your horse and dog
Nice and easy no need to go faster

And sometimes you’d meet up with other travellers
Hear the news or else swop family information
At the country fairs we’d be meeting there
All the people of the travelling nation

I’ve made willow creels and the heather besoms
And I’ve even done some begging and some hawkin’
And I’ve lain there spent rapped up in my tent
And I’ve listened to the old folks talking

All you freeborn men of the travelling people
Every tinker rolling stone and gypsy rover
Winds of change are blowing old ways are going
Your travelling days will soon be over

I’m a freeborn man of the travelling people
Got no fixed abode with nomads I am numbered
Country lanes and bye ways were always my ways
I never fancied being lumbered

LIFE AINT WOT IT USED TO BE (continued)

ACT 2

Scene 1

Scene: A Dream of Lionel-Land

The stage is dark. A soft spotlight appears on Alma, sitting at her dressing room mirror, looking tired. She hums softly, then drifts off to sleep. The lights shift, and the stage transforms into a whimsical, colourful dreamscape—Lionel-Land!

Lionel Bart enters, dressed in a flamboyant suit, leading a lively ensemble of dancers and musicians. They perform “I  WISH I WAS IN LIONEL-[LAND” with Alma joining in, her spirits lifted by the fantasy.

Alma: (singing

I wish I was in Lionel-Land, hooray! Hooray! Where the nights are bright and the skies are gay! Hooray!

“I Wish I Was in Lionel-Land”

(In the style of Lionel Bart – to the air of I Wish I Was In Dixie- Land)

(Verse 1)
Oh, I’ve seen the lights of London town,
Where the rain falls down and the world spins ‘round.
But I dream of a place, oh, so grand,
Where the streets are paved with melody, in Lionel-Land!

(Chorus)
I wish I was in Lionel-Land, hooray! Hooray!
Where the trumpets play and the dancers sway.
With a song in my heart and a skip in my hand,
I’d be oh so happy in Lionel-Land!

(Verse 2)
There’s a pub on the corner, the tunes never end,
With a piano man and a jolly old friend.
We’ll sing “Consider Yourself” with the band,
And the whole world’s a stage in Lionel-Land!

(Chorus)
I wish I was in Lionel-Land, hooray! Hooray!
Where the nights are bright and the skies are gay.
With a wink and a nod, and a jolly good band,
I’d be oh so merry in Lionel-Land!

(Bridge)
Oh, the rivers would flow with a musical stream,
And the stars would all dance to a ragtime dream.
Every cobblestone hums, every lamppost can sing,
In the land where the melodies ring!

(Verse 3)
So I’ll pack up my troubles, my hat, and my cane,
And I’ll hop on a train to that sweet refrain.
For the world’s full of wonder, but I understand,
That my heart belongs in Lionel-Land!

(Final Chorus)
I wish I was in Lionel-Land, hooray! Hooray!
Where the music’s grand and the laughs never end.
With a song in my soul and a smile so grand,
I’ll be oh so happy in Lionel-Land!

(Outro)
Oh, Lionel-Land, my sweet, sweet home,
Where the melodies wander and the stories roam.
With a tune in my pocket and a dream in my hand,
I’ll be forever in Lionel-Land!

The song ends with a flourish, and the dream fades. Alma wakes up, back in her dressing room, smiling wistfully.

Later, in Lionel’s flat. Lionel at the piano trying to compose. Alma helps.

ALMA:                                                                                                                            I had a dream last night. Well, in my dressing room. I nodded off for a little while, and I remember you were singing a song you had just written. It was called ‘I wish I was in Lionel-Land’  or something like that. It sounded like the air to ‘I wish I was in Dixie’, but the words were different. Then I woke up.

Lionel laughs then plays a few notes and sings.

LIONEL:                                                                                                                           I know that tune. It’s an old American Civil War song. I think someone recorded it recently. (sings a few bars). ‘I wish I was in Dixie/ Look away, look away/ In dixie land I will make my stand. Look away…                                                                                                    something like that. Do you remember the words from last night?

John enters with some drinks etc

ALMA:

Ha! I was dreaming! (pause/sings) I think the chorus went something like this;            I wish I was in Lionel-Land, hooray! Hooray!/ Where the nights are bright and the skies are gay! Hooray!

LIONEL:                                                                                                                       Hmmm. It might have possibilities. Maybe I will work on something later on. (to John, taking a drink) I wrote a new song last night – apparently

JOHN:                                                                                                                            In your dreams!

ALMA:                                                                                                                                      No. In my dreams. (smiles) Oh, don’t ask, John (to Lionel) I think it has your whimsical style Li; full of charm…with a touch of nostalgia.

LIONEL:                                                                                                                              Oh, I’m  nostalgic now , am I! All my songs are merry, I’ll have you know.

AMMA:                                                                                                                             You sound like Sean Kenny now. I remember him saying once ‘All our wars are merry, and all our songs are sad’. Or was it the other way round?

LIONEL:                                                                                                                          Yeah, well, Sean’s Irish, so he should know. ‘for the great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad/ all their wars are merry and all their songs are sad’. Chesterton.

JOHN:                                                                                                                             Hark at him! A poet and we don’t know it!

LIONEL:                                                                                                                        As Sean himself might say, ‘If I didn’t go to school itself, I met the scholars’ on the way home’

JOHN:                                                                                                                          Yeah that sounds like Sean. Full of Blarney! A bit like yourself, come to think of it! You’ll be telling me next you read Chesterton at school!

LIONEL:                                                                                                                        All I read at school was the Dandy. Desperate Dan and Korky the Cat were my introduction to literature. As for Chesterton, I sometimes found that the poets of the past were often good for tuning up my own lyrics.

JOHN:                                                                                                                        You mean you nicked some of their words!

LIONEL:                                                                                                                      Why not? Everyone does it, in my view. There’s nothing new under the sun. I bet even Shakespeare did it!

JOHN:                                                                                                                      Comparing yourself to Shakespeare now eh! (to Alma) What do you think Alma           

LIONEL:                                                                                                                    Hah! I’m more popular than Shakespeare ever was in his day. I bet he didn’t have two plays running at the same time in the West End. Both playing to full houses every  night!

ALMA:                                                                                                                      Don’t get too cocky Li. You know the old saying? The bigger they are, the harder they fall. What’s  next on your agenda?

LIONEL:                                                                                                                                 Oh, I have got big plans for the next three or four years. First will be Blitz, then Maggie May, and then my piece de resistance – Twang.

JOHN:                                                                                                                       And what’s going to pay for all this extravagance?

LIONEL:                                                                                                                       Well, Oliver’s doing well isn’t it? And it’s only got started. They say it will run for years.

JOHN:                                                                                                                         Do you remember what Noel Coward said to you a little while ago. ‘Dear boy, never put your own money in any of your own plays’

LIONEL:                                                                                                                       Ah! Coward. What does he know? He’s a has-been – and has been for the last twenty years or more. Come on, Let’s celebrate.

Drinking, laughing, singing, dancing etc (Lionel slyly swallow s couple of tablets on the qt) They sing/play a couple of songs from Blitz & Maggie May

CONSIDER YOURSELF

(From Oliver!, music and lyrics by Lionel Bart)

Consider yourself at home,
Consider yourself one of the family.
We’ve taken to you so strong,
It’s clear we’re going to get along.

Consider yourself well in,
Consider yourself part of the furniture.
There isn’t a lot to spare,
Who cares? Whatever we’ve got, we share!

Chorus:
If it should chance to be
We should see some harder days,
Empty larder days,
Why grouse?                                                                                                              Always a-chance we’ll meet
Somebody to foot the bill,
Then the drinks are on the house!

Chorus:
Consider yourself our mate,
We don’t want to have no fuss,
For after some consideration,
We can consider…
Yourself one of us!

Consider yourself at home,
Consider yourself one of the family.
We’ve taken to you so strong,
It’s clear we’re going to get along.

Consider yourself our friend,
Consider this a ’and up, if you please, sir!
We’re very ’appy to give
You our ’umble company.


We’re ’appy to ’ave with us
Cheerfulness, charm and innocence,
All the ingredients
For ’appiness.

We now hear the sounds of guns and bombs, people screaming etc And the voice of Winston Churchill on radio;

WC: (voice)

I would say to the House… that I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears and sweat. We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. You ask, what is our policy? I will say: it is to wage war, by sea, land and air, with all our might and with all the strength that God can give us; to wage war against a monstrous tyranny, never surpassed in the dark, lamentable catalogue of human crime. That is our policy. You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: it is victory, victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory, however long and hard the road may be; for without victory, there is no survival.

Lights change and they sing the song MAGGIE MAY, from the musical of the same name.

MAGGIE MAE

 ow gather round you sailor boys, and listen to my plea                                               And when you’ve heard my tale you’ll pity me                                                                 For I was a real damned fool in the port of Liverpool                                                    The first time that I came home from the sea I was paid off at the Home,              from a voyage to Sierra Leone                                                                                           Two pounds ten and sixpence was my pay                                                                When I drew the tin I grinned,                                                                                                     but I very soon got skinned By a girl by the name of Maggie May

Oh, Maggie, Maggie May, they’ve taken you away                                                      They’ve sent you to Van Diemen’s cruel shore For you robbed so many a sailor, and skinned so many a whaler                                                                                          And you’ll never shine in Paradise Street no more                                                                                                                                          

I shan’t forget the day when I first met Maggie May                                                            She was cruising up and down on Canning Place With a figure so divine,                     like a frigate of the line So, being a sailor, I gave chase                                                          Oh, Maggie, Maggie May, they’ve taken you away                                                             They’ve sent you to Van Diemen’s cruel shore                                                                            For you robbed so many a sailor, and skinned so many a whaler

LIFE AINT WOT IT USED TO BE (continued)

scene 2

 A single spotlight on Lionel, now in his 50s, standing centre stage. The rest of the stage is dark, creating a sense of isolation. As Lionel speaks, faint projections or shadows of key moments from his life appear in the background (e.g., Joan Littlewood, Alma Cogan, the premiere of Oliver.

LIONEL:
(to the audience)
Twenty -five years. Doesn’t sound like much, does it? But when you look back… (pauses) It’s like staring at a different person. That young bloke, full of fire, thinking he could take on the world. And for a while, he did.

(He steps forward, the spotlight following him.)

LIONEL:
Fings Ain’t Wot They Used to Be. What a title, eh? Joan came up with that. Joan Littlewood. She always had a way with words. Me? I just wrote the tunes. But together… (smiling) We made magic. (pauses as he remembers)

 Frank Norman was the geezer who wrote the story.  It was his first play. A straight play; no music or nothin’; Frank sent it to Joan and she liked it, but told him it was a musical. She dragged me in to write the songs. ‘A cockney musical, Joan’, I said, ‘you’re ‘avin’ a laugh’. But she wasn’t. ‘Those days are long departed, dear, she said to me, ‘when every actress has roses round her vowels, and every actor wears a butler’s suit and speaks a mouthful of mockney. Oh no, this is the real Mccoy’.

And so Joan and her Theatre Workshop group began rehearsals at the Theatre Royal, Stratford East early in 1959. Some of those who took part are household names today; Yootha Joyce, Barbara Windsor, James Booth, George Sewell….

(He looks off into the distance, as if recalling a memory. A faint projection of Joan Littlewood appears in the background, directing a rehearsal. Then we see her for real at back of the stage ‘encouraging’ Rosey (Barbara Windsor) to sing a more upbeat rendition of WHERE DO LITTLE BIRDS GO)

JOAN:

Come on Barbara, it’s not a funeral march! Put some oomph into it

ROSEY:

Where do little birds go…in the wintertime? / There will be blizzards and snow too…in the wintertime.                                                                                               And the thought of it horrifies me so / where do…where do…where do little birds go?

JOAN:

No…no Barbara! Get those arms and legs moving. Imagine you are going to fly away…

LIONEL:
(calling out)
Easy, Joan. They’re doing their best.

JOAN:
(turning to him)
Their best isn’t good enough, Lionel. Not for this. You wrote something extraordinary—now let’s make it real.

LIONEL:
(smiling)
You’re a tyrant, you know that?

JOAN:
(grinning)
And you’re a genius. Now stop flattering me and get to work.

(They share a laugh, then Joan turns back to the cast, while Lionel watches with admiration.)

Scene 3

Lional’s flat, papers everywhere. drinks and a half-empty bottle of whiskey. Lionel is at the piano, playing a few notes, while ALMA COGAN sits on the couch, scribbling lyrics on a notepad.

LIONEL:
(playing a melody)
What about this? (sings) 

We got love, we got laughter,
We got dreams to chase.
No matter what comes after,
We’ll always have this place.


.ALMA:
(thinking)
Hmm. It’s close, (pause)   It reminds me a bit of ‘Dreamboat’

LIONEL:

I didn’t write that one, did I?

ALMA:

You’ve written so many you can’t remember! But no, you didn’t. (pause) I think this one needs …more sparkle

LIONEL:
(grinning)
Sparkle? You’re the one with the laugh in your voice, love. Maybe you should sing it.

ALMA:
(playfully hitting his arm)
Cheeky. But seriously, Lionel, this could be huge. It’s got that magic—like Oliver!, but for the pop charts.

LIONEL:
(softly)
You’re my magic, Alma.

(There’s a pause. Alma looks at him, surprised by his sincerity.)

ALMA:
(smiling)
Careful, Lionel. You’ll make me blush.

LIONEL:
(laughing)
Impossible. You’re the queen of cool.

(They share a moment of quiet connection before diving back into the song.)

ALMA:
(scribbling)
What if we change this line? (sings) “We got love, we got laughter, we got nights that last forever…”

LIONEL:
(playing along)
Yes! That’s it. You’ve got it.

(They work together, refining the melody and lyrics. The tension between them is palpable, but they channel it into their creativity.)

ALMA:
(singing)
“We got love, we got laughter, we got dreams to chase. No matter what comes after, we’ll always have this place.”

LIONEL:
(softly)
That’s beautiful, Alma.

ALMA:
(smiling)
It’s ours.

(They share a quiet moment, then Alma stands and takes the notepad.)

ALMA:
Let me try it from the top.

(She begins singing the full song, her voice filling the room. Lionel watches, captivated, as the lights dim slightly, focusing on Alma.)

ALMA:
(singing)

Verse 1:
We got love, we got laughter,
We got dreams to chase.
No matter what comes after,
We’ll always have this place.

Chorus:
Through the highs and the lows,
Wherever we go,
We got love, we got love.
In the stars up above,
In the songs that we sing,
We got love, we got love.

Verse 2:
We got nights that last forever,
We got mornings wrapped in gold.
Even if we’re not together,
We’ll have stories to be told.

Chorus:
Through the highs and the lows,
Wherever we go,
We got love, we got love.
In the stars up above,
In the songs that we sing,
We got love, we got love.

(As she finishes, the room falls silent. Lionel looks at her, a mix of admiration and longing in his eyes.)

LIONEL:
(softly)
You’re incredible, Alma.

ALMA:
(smiling)
We’re incredible, Lionel.

(They share a smile, but there’s a hint of sadness, as if they both know their time together is fleeting. The lights fade.)

SEPTEMBER IS THE LOVELIEST MONTH

SEPTEMBER IS THE LOVELIEST MONTH
September is the loveliest month.
The sky is on permanent fire
The trees painted many colours
Burnished, it seems, with pure desire
In the park, ducks glide silently by
And the always busy seagulls
Resemble sea-planes
Coming in to land from on high
Whilst near the dozing oak tree
The squirrels nutmeg each other
Each acorn hoarded
For the soon-to-come cold weather.
Your arm in mine
We stroll down the park
Heading towards the sunset
Home before dark.

STARLING SKY

MURMURATIONS OF LOVE

There was a starling sky
Yesterday over Rye
The arc of cloudless blue
Quite frequently changing its hue
as we watched the songbirds fly-by
You and me walking hand in hand
Along this wild and windy headland
The starlings singing high above
Sketching their murmurations of love.

THE WORLD’S GREAT POEMS

WE’LL GO NO MORE A-ROVING  by Lord Byron

So, we’ll go no more a-roving

So late into the night,

Though the heart be still as loving,

And the moon be still as bright.

For the sword outwears its sheath,

And the soul wears out the breast,

And the heart must pause to breathe,

And love itself have rest.

Though the night was made for loving,

And the day returns too soon,

Yet we’ll go no more a-roving

By the light of the moon.

TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

TWINKLE,TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

A star may look like heaven

From afar

But in reality

It is hell in a jar;

Not a small gold object that twinkles

But a furnace of endless fire

A million miles from being

An object of desire

FALLING

FALLING
Clubbed by kindness
I sit here stunned
By the knowledge that
You loved me once
Possibly.
No room for any doubt on my side
But you were forbidden fruit
About to fall from the tree
Trouble was
I never tried to catch you
Not really.
And now I have fallen further
Than you ever could
And there you are
Somehow
To pick me up