opening scene of my new play
LIFE AINT WOT ITUSED TO BE
By
Tom O’Brien
Scene1
Lionel Bart’s flat, late at night. He’s sitting at a piano, scribbling notes. A friend, JOHN GORMAN enters. The flat is cluttered with sheet music and memorabilia, There here is a photo of Lional and John in National Service uniforms on the wall.
JOHN looks at the photo then sings
JOHN:
Stand by your beds, here comes the Vice Marshall,
He’s got lots of rings, but he’s only got one arsehole
Do you remember that?
LIONEL:
How could I forget? (pauses) If we hadn’t been in that same carriage on that train to Padgate to do our National Service, we’d probably never have become friends
JOHN:
Some co-incidence eh!
LIONEL:
Co-incidence my arse! It was fate
JOHN:
(laughing) Remember that bloody Corporal on our first parade? Irish he was, by the name of Buckley. He stood in front of you, eyes burning, the peak of his cap almost touching your face. (dons an army cap and becomes the Corporal)
Where do you come from? (shouting)
LIONEL:
London, Corporal (he stands to attention)
JOHN:
I thought so. You’re a fucking spiv. I can tell by your tie. (He grabs Lionel by his tie and almost chokes him) You’re a fucking spiv. What are you?
LIONAL:
Leave it out, John. Jesus! (he frees himself) I had twelve weeks of that Irish bastard. That was enough. Still, one good thing came out of it; I met you – and we’re still friends after all this time.
They drink some beer and mess around, singing ‘stand by your beds’ again
Lional plays a few notes on the piano.
JOHN:
Jesus , Lionel, it’s almost two in the morning. You must’a been at this for hours.
LIONEL:
(without looking up)
It’s almost there, John. I can feel it. The melody, the words—it’s like they’re just out of reach.
JOHN:
(sitting down)
You’ve been saying that for weeks. What’s so special about this one?
LIONEL:
(smiling faintly)
This one’s different. It’s not just a song. It’s… a story. A boy, alone in the world, searching for something. For family. For home.
JOHN:
(raising an eyebrow)
Sounds heavy.
LIONEL:
(grinning)
Wait till you hear this one…
Lionel claps his hand in a rhythmic beat. He sings a couple of lines:
They changed our local Palais into a bowling alley and
Fings ain’t wot they used to be
The stage lights up. Singers & Dancers appear. Lionel plays the piano
All sing FINGS AINT WOT THEY USED TO BE.
They’ve changed our local palais into a bowling alley and
Fings ain’t wot they used to be
There’s teds wiv drainpipe trousers and debs in coffee houses
And fings ain’t wot they used to be
There used to be trams
Not very quick got you from place to place
But now there’s just jams, half a mile thick
Stay in the human race, I’m walking
They’ve stuck parking meters outside our door to greet us
No, fings ain’t wot they used to be
Monkeys flying around the moon
We’ll be up there wiv ’em soon
Fings ain’t wot they used to be
Once our beer was froffy, but now its froffy coffee
No fings ain’t wot they used to be
It used to be fun
Dad and old Mum paddling down Southend
But now it ain’t done
Never mind chum
Paris is where we spend our outings
Grandma tries to shock us all
Doing knees-up rock ‘n’ roll
Fings ain’t wot they used to be
We used to have stars
Singers who sung A Dixie Melody
They’re buying guitars
Plinkety plunk, backing themselves with three chords only
Once we danced from 12 to three
I’ve got news for Elvis P
Fings ain’t wot they used to be
Did the lot we us to
Fings ain’t wot they used to be
Spotlight back on Lionel and John
LIONEL:
That’s the start of it, John. My meteoric rise, they’re callin’ it. (laughs) They’re ‘avin’ a laff. I’ve been writin’ for fifteen years. Tunes and other stuff. Lots of hits too. What about Tommy Steele…how many have I written for him?…
They both sing a verse of ROCK WITH THE CAVE MEN
Or Cliff Richard….
Both sing a verse of LIVIN’ DOLL
Or Shirley Bassey…
Both sing a verse of AS LONG AS HE NEEDS ME
LIONEL:
Hey! I didn’t know you could sing!
JOHN:
Oh, I can warble a bit. You’re not the only one who can do that.
Lights fade
Scene 2
My Writing Life 