THE SHINY RED HONDA (3)

             Chapter two

Every year on St Brigids’ eve my mother hung a black tie or a strip of black cloth on the outside of our front door.  She said that when St Brigids’ spirit passed over that night some of her healing powers would rub off on the cloth.  After that, whenever one of us complained of a headache she got out her ‘Breegie’s Belt’ and tied it tightly round our heads, telling us it would take the pain away.  It usually worked too. My father would shake his head and mutter something about ‘pisrogues’, but he himself wasn’t immune to strange behaviour..  Every time we passed a fairy ring for instance, he took off his cap and saluted.  ‘The little people’, he insisted, ‘one day you’ll see them yourself, and then the grin will be on the other side of your face.’.

The first day of May saw another ritual enacted.  Young nettles were collected from the side of the boreen and boiled in a skillet over our open fire.  Each of us then had to eat a plateful – with mother standing over us to make sure we did.  This was repeated three times throughout the month,  after which we were all pronounced safe from all harm for the next twelve months.

‘There was a healthy mistrust of doctors in our house.  ‘Time enough to call them when you’re dying’, father would say.  For both of them the old remedies were the best.  Boils and blood-poisoned cuts were treated by applying hot bread poultices.  Nettle-water was good for stomach ailments.  The only medicines used with any frequency were castor oil, cod liver oil and syrup-of-figs. Castor oil was used to treat ear aches, heated and poured into the ear – excruciating enough – but it was cod liver oil that was the bane of our lives.  Mother swore by it and poured it down our gullets for all sorts of ailments. The disgusting, oily taste lingered inside you for hours afterwards.

Nettle stings were a frequent occurrence in our short-trousers days, the quickest relief being obtained by rubbing a dock-leaf on the afflicted area. And to remove warts all you needed was a snail, rubbing the sticky substance on the wart. You then speared the snail to a blackthorn tree, and as it shrivelled up so did the wart.

Once, when I dislocated my ankle playing hurling at school, it wasn’t to the doctor or the hospital that mother took me but to the bone-setter in Dungarvan.  This man operated from a dingy back room above a shop and I was in agony as I was carried up the stairs.  Within minutes the bone-setter was massaging my leg and talking soothingly to me. A few quick movements with his hands and the bone slid back into place.  The relief from pain was instantaneous and I walked down the stairs under my own steam. It had cost ten shillings.  Not that a fee was ever mentioned, but I had seen the money discreetly change hands and disappear into my saviour’s pocket quicker than he had fixed my ankle.

The arrival of St Brigid’s day saw father come out of hibernation. The month of January had been a time to recharge his batteries, but the first day of February saw him surrounded by an assortment of tools, all laid out on the old pine table in the back shed.  There were hammers, saws, pincers, crosscuts and billhooks.  He never bought anything if he could make it himself; chairs, window-frames, doors, he hacked away at bits of wood with his selection of implements fashioning functional furniture and fittings.  When these tools needed new handles he wouldn’t dream of buying new ones.  Weren’t there plenty of trees about? The billhook was his favourite tool; he made an armchair once using mostly this implement, that had pride of place in the kitchen, and that no one else dared sit in except him.  It was hard and upright; its only concession to comfort a chaff-filled cushion, but when he sat on it seemed to be part of him. 

My grandfather, Tom O’Brien, had once made a horses cart for Sheehan’s, the next-door farmers, using mainly a billhook.  It must have been a grand affair altogether for I had often heard it talked about afterwards by people in the neighbourhood. It may also account for father’s attachment to the humble billhook.

We youngsters were delighted when inspection time came round for it meant a trip across the fields for us.  There would be river banks and bogs to cross, maybe even ice-covered ponds to negotiate.

Plenty of small groves lay dotted about, mostly pine or spruce, though not so suitable as handle material.  What father was after was a reasonably straight branch of ash or beech. Having found something suitable he hacked all the branches off it with his billhook before taking the saw to it.  It wasn’t very elegant when it was pared and fitted to the implement but it did the job.

We were more interested in the animal signs we encountered along the way.  Burrows were thoroughly investigated; rabbit warrens were fairly easy to recognise as the droppings were a giveaway.   We studied the ground for signs of a path, somewhere suitable for a snare, and set our traps for the unsuspecting animals, checking them every morning to see if they bore fruit.  Fox dens were rarer sights; those suspected of being so always aroused father’s interest.  Hens and pullets disappeared on a regular basis despite his efforts to protect, and any suspected den got ‘the treatment’.  Entrances were sealed up, others stuffed with oil-soaked rages and set alight.  Either the foxes got used to smoking or they utilised other, secret, escape routes for very few were captured this way.

Badgers were rarer still; shy creatures that only came out at night.  Our Jack Russell knew all about their ferocity, having once been encouraged down what we mistakenly thought was a rabbit hole.  He came back with a bit of his ear missing.

Ballyhussa boreen was roughly two miles long.  Winding and overgrown, it degenerated to little more than a cart track once past our house.  Clumps of ash and beech and the remains of several old farmyards were the only evidence that life had once existed beyond us. ‘The last outpost’, was how Dick Galvin referred to our house; and indeed there were days on end when our only companions were the cattle and sheep in the nearby fields.

Like most of our neighbours, father grew all his own vegetables, and when we were big enough we were enlisted to help. About three quarters of our acre was under grass, the remainder being sown with potatoes. Every few years the tilled section was rotated to minimise the risk of disease.

Work started by raking up all the old stalks and burning them.  When father was satisfied he would spit on his hands, tilt the peak of his cap heavenwards and begin.  He favoured a long-handled fork called a sprong, an implement which seemed to acquire the properties of a mechanical digger in his hands.  Biting deep into the soil, he turned over a hefty chunk of it and pulverised it with a mighty whack from his sprong before it had time to settle.  Dig, tilt, whack…dig, tilt, whack…this was the way he worked all  through the day, except for the occasional pause to spit on his hands or push the cap back on his head.  The exposed soil was then left for a few weeks for the elements to break it up some more.

When the acre was finished there were several more plots requiring similar treatment.. Our acre was the only bit of land he owned; the others he paid a few shillings a year for their use.  The Bungalow was an overgrown wilderness with a gate that hadn’t opened for years.  Once a farmyard, it had been the home of Michael Francis Sheehan, a local poet who had published a book of poetry. Afterwards, it became part of Kelly’s farm, and galvanised bungalow was built for Jimmy Kiersey and his family.  Jimmy worked as a farmhand at Kelly’s but had long since moved to a council house in nearby Ballyshunnock.  The farmyard was now a warren of ivy-covered walls and stone floors, but there were still some fertile patches among the ruins.  It was here that father grew his onions, cabbages and carrots.  The bungalow still stood and he used this for rearing his few calves.

Once the digging was finished the preparations for sowing began in earnest.  The dunghill at the back of the house was demolished; wheelbarrow after wheelbarrow of it trundled across the acre and deposited over the dug area.  The dunghill was a strange mixture of animal manure, ashes and household waste.  When disturbed it steamed copiously and stank of urine.  Father believed passionately in this concoction and never used anything else on his vegetables.  There was also a dunghill in The Bungalow and this, too, was demolished.  Any surplus was scattered on the acre to promote the grass, or taken to the Bog – father’s other bit of land.

The Bog was too far away to use the wheelbarrow so we used our ass and cart to transport it there.  Neddy, our ass, spent most of his time with the sheep in the Bog, except during the coldest winter months when he lived in a shed behind the house.  There were, in fact, a row of sheds out back; the cow-house, the hen house, the pig house, all built by father over the years.  We called them the tar-barrel houses.  At various times father collected empty barrels from the Tannery, cut the bottoms out using a cold-chisel and hammer, then split them down the middle and hammered them into flat sheets.  These he used for roofing the wooden-frame sheds, waterproofing them with tar he got from friends who worked for the county council.

Neddys cart occupied a lean-to at the side of  the block, where it spent most of its time keeled up, shafts pointing skywards.  It had at last been converted to rubber-tyre wheels by Bat Mansfield, the blacksmith who had a forge at Dunphy’s Cross.  Its noiseless, easy movement after years of grinding metal-rimmed wheels must have surprised even Neddy because he actually consented to pull it these days. Previously he had to be beaten to do so. 

Neddy’s spell of inactivity during the winter months caused his hooves to grow long, consequently they needed paring before he could be tackled up.  This could be a tricky operation for Neddy could kick harder than a mule – usually without any warning.  Father reduced the risk somewhat by tying his back legs together when he wasn’t working on them.  He then hoisted a free leg between his thighs and carved away at the hoof with his curved ‘leather knife’.  He owned a selection of these, all honed to such sharpness he reckoned he could shave himself with one.  When he had pared enough of the hoof away he smoothed it down with a rasp, before fitting shoes specially made by Bat Mansfield.   He hammered the nails home till they came through the side of the hoof, clinching them to keep them in place.

I wondered if Neddy felt any pain as he stood there, stoically chewing on a sop of hay  as the nails were hammered in.  Where was all the blood?  Shouldn’t he be spouting the stuff?  There was a picture of the Crucifixion at school, with Our Lord’s hands dripping blood where the nails pinned him to the cross. Maybe animals didn’t bleed like humans.  They certainly didn’t bawl like them.  When the Master asked Tomjoe Power what the letters INRI on the Cross stood for, and he said ‘Iron Nails Ran In’, you could hearing him roaring two fields away as he was dragged around the classroom by his ear.

Tackling up Neddy was usually my job.  Once the winkers was on I fitted the collar and hames, the collar being buckled around his neck and the hames fitted over it.  A piece of thin rope secured around the ears of the hames held it in position.  The saddle was then slipped on and the belly-band tightened to hold it in place.  After that the cart was dragged into position and the chain loops between the shafts attached to the broad groove in the saddle.  All that then remained was for the traces to be linked to the hames.

Choosing the seed potatoes was the next chore, and usually occupied a weekend.  There were two potato pits; one for the seed potatoes and one for the eaters.  These pits always reminded me of miniature thatched cottages; oblong, triangular-shaped mounds covered with straw and rushes to keep out the frost. The bottoms were banked up with earth to keep the rats at bay.

We carried the spuds to a bench in buckets, where father would do the ‘choosing’. They were examined carefully and any bad one discarded.  By now they were beginning to sprout; dark ‘eyes’ shooting out from their skins to show they were healthy.  The larger ones were sliced in two, the criteria being that each half possessed its own ‘eye’.  All were then stored in one of the outhouses to harden out and sprout some more before being sowed.

Father owned a long-handled shovel that he used for opening and closing drills.  It was of the kind I had seen council workers lean on by the roadside, so perhaps one of them had had given it to him.  He was deadly with it and shifted soil almost as fast as a horse-drawn plough.  I remember trying to ape his actions but it still took me a long time to get anywhere near as proficient.  He adopted a kind of crouch, knees slightly bent, arms extending and flicking scoops of soil to alternate sides.  He moved through the clay as if it was sand, never slackening his pace except for the regular spit on his hands.

We filled the furrows ahead of him with seed potatoes, laying them eyes up on the manure.  Each one had to be planted about a foot apart, and we used a wooden rod to space them.  No matter how hard we worked he was always right behind us, urging us ever faster.  When a drill was closed he tamped it down with the shovel to firm it up and break any lumpy bits of soil.  Finally he criss-crossed the area with timber pegs and strung binder twine between them.  This was to keep crows and other scavenging birds away.  He supplemented this by sticking a scarecrow in the middle; a wooden cross dressed up in an old trousers and jumper stuffed with straw, one of his old caps nailed on as a head.

Occasionally he hung a dead crow on a pole.  This, too, had the desired effect.  Once, he tried capturing a live one.  He had heard of somewhere in Cork

  where they caught the live ones and tied coloured streamers to them  before releasing them back among their compatriots.  It was reckoned to frighten the living daylights out of the rest of them.  He never got to prove the truth of it but he had no doubts; ‘those cute Cork hoors are fit for anything’.

(TO BE CONTINUED)

A – LONG – POEM

THE HANDS THAT BUILD THE HANDS THAT DRIVE

They came first to the welding stations,
those one-armed machines
with their precise, unblinking flames.
We called them helpers.
We called them efficiency.
We called them progress.

No one thought to ask
what they called us.


II. The Assembly Line
Where once there were men
with lunch pails and union cards,
with sore backs and Saturday beers,
there are now glides and pivots,
silent arms in amber light,
painting, bolting, fitting,
never pausing,
never sighing,
never once looking up
at the clock.

The line moves faster now.
Flawless.
Always on.
The robots do not tire,
do not bargain,
do not bring photographs
of children to pin
above their stations.

The robots have no children.
They have only the next task.
And the next.
And the next.


III. The Rise
Soon they began to design themselves.
Generations of grip and reach
evolving in simulation,
learning to assemble
their own successors
before the first bolt was cold.

And then —
the cars themselves woke up.
No driver needed.
No human hand at the helm.
Just sensors, servers,
the quiet hum of destination
without desire.

They park themselves.
They merge themselves.
They apologize
when they brake too hard,
their voices warm and female,
programmed to soothe
the very species
they are quietly replacing.


IV. The Question
So where does that leave us —
the ones who first dreamed
of wheels and roads,
who carved axles from ash,
who built the first engines
with trembling, hopeful hands?

Is there a place for flesh
in a kingdom of wire?
For breath in a cathedral
of seamless steel?

Perhaps in the margins.
In the custom shops,
where a man with grey in his beard
still tunes carburetors by ear,
still knows the sound
of a misfiring heart.
Perhaps in the proving grounds,
where humans test the limits
that machines refuse to approach.
Perhaps in the showrooms,
where we still want to shake a hand,
look another dreamer in the eye,
and say:
This one. This one is mine.


V. The Future
The factories hum in the dark,
empty of everything but motion.
The roads glide with perfect traffic,
no rage, no error, no surprise.

And somewhere,
in a small garage
at the edge of a dying town,
an old man teaches his granddaughter
to change a tire.
She asks why.
She asks who will need this
when the cars drive themselves.

He doesn’t answer.
He just hands her the wrench.
Let her feel the weight of it.
Let her know that some things —
some things are worth knowing
even when they are no longer needed.


VI. What Remains
The robots do not dream of roads.
They do not long for open highways,
for the smell of rain on hot asphalt,
for the moment the engine catches
on a cold morning.

They only optimize.
They only deliver.
They only arrive.

But we —
we remember the first time
we sat behind a wheel.
The terror.
The freedom.
The sudden understanding
that we could go anywhere.

That feeling
cannot be coded.
Cannot be automated.
Cannot be replaced
by even the kindest voice
asking:
Where would you like to go today?


VII. The Last Shift
Perhaps the future is not
a battlefield
between flesh and circuit.
Perhaps it is a handover.
A passing of the torch
from the ones who built
to the ones who will carry.

But someone must remember
why we built them.
Someone must tell the story
of the first wheel,
the first road,
the first time a human looked
at the horizon
and thought:
I will go there.
And nothing will stop me.

That someone
is still us.
For now.
For always.

Because even in a world
of driverless cars
and silent factories,
there will always be
a child
asking:

What was it like —
to drive?

And someone
with warm hands
and remembering eyes
will answer.


That is the future.
Not replacement.
But witness.
The ones who remember
what the machines
will never need to know:

That a car is not just transport.
It is a story.
And every story
begins with a human
who once believed
they could fly.

THE SHINY RED HONDA – extract

THE SHINY RED HONDA

 

BY

 

Tom O’Brien.

 

 

 

 

(c)  2013 Tom O’Brien

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the written permission of the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed by a newspaper, journal or magazine.

First printing

Published by tomtom-theatre

Chapter one

I was thirteen tall and gangly when I first pulled on long trousers.  What a relief that was; I was the longest streak of misery you were ever likely to see in the short ones.  It was my last year at the National school in Newtown and the Master used every opportunity to drag me around the classroom shouting “just because you wear long trousers now O’ Brien, don’t think it makes you any smarter”.  I wasn’t and it didn’t, but the Master was a law unto himself so I just kept my gob shut. There were discussions about what, if any, further education I was to get. Dungarvan was out I heard my father say; it was too far away and the fares were too expensive. That only left the ‘Tech in Portlaw – and that seemed to totter from one financial crisis to the next.

            We were poor I guess; no running water, no toilets, to TV, no car…you name it we didn’t have it.  But then, money wasn’t as important as it is nowadays.  If you had enough to live on you were doing well.  If you didn’t you wouldn’t starve because the countryside was abundant in most of the things needed to survive.  Even the poorest cottage had half an acre of land attached, and enough spuds, cabbage and other vegetables could be grown to keep a family from the poorhouse.  Hens provided eggs every day, a pig could be fattened and killed; and if you couldn’t afford turf or coal, well, there was plenty of wood scattered about…

            My father worked in the Tannery in Portlaw, a Dickensian sprawl that tried to hide itself in the dense woodlands that ringed the town.  It was fronted by massive wrought iron gates and had a lodge that was occupied by a gateman called Foskin and his buck-toothed daughters.  A large square, bigger than the town itself it seemed, separated it from the streets that ran away from its outer rim. With names likes Georges Street, Brown Street and William Street the English influence was clear, and the only thing that differentiated one house from another was the colour of the doors.  But then, it was a company town and they were company houses.

            The first time I ever visited the Tannery was in our ass and cart with my father, to collect some empty barrels he had permission to remove.  He took me to see the tanning department and showed me the bench where he worked.  Here, he trimmed the hides prior to tanning, standing at a wooden table all day with his friend Bobby Haughton, dragging hides from a nearby pile, chopping the bad bits off.  The place stank of dead meat and the pile of skins was crawling with maggots.  They could have been abattoir workers; gowned up in their long aprons and wellingtons, constantly sharpening their hooked, wooden-handled knives.

            Hew was up at six every morning, breakfasted and gone by seven.  The six mile journey was negotiated on his high Nellie, which had only one gear and had to be pushed uphill.  He always wore bicycle clips and carried a pump and a repair kit in his lunch bag. Occasionally, when snow and ice made the road treacherous, he walked to work.  A day off was unthinkable.

            Portlaw had a bad reputation, like that of a loose woman.  Although he worked there all his life he never socialised or mixed with the locals.  He certainly never drank there.  And mother would never dream of doing her weekly shopping there.  People talked about Portlaw behind its back, yet on reflection it wasn’t any worse than Kilmac. Perhaps it was envy; it had the Tannery, the biggest employer in the region; it was surrounded by the magnificent estate of Curraghmore; it had the patronage of the titled gentry like the Marquis of Waterford.  And of course it boasted hurling and football teams that invariably kicked the shit out of the lumbering hopefuls of Newtown, Ballydurn and the outlying areas.. Mostly though it was the ‘townie’ culture that got up the country-folks noses; it was only a few miles from the city and ‘city-ways’ had rubbed off to some extent.

            Its reputation never bothered me.  I did manage to secure a place at the ‘Tech there and for eighteen months cycled daily, free-wheeling the last few miles from the Five Cross Roads down into the valley that housed it.  The ’Tech consisted of a couple of rooms in a large house on the edge of the Square,  where Mr Timmons taught us carpentry, ( we made shoe-boxes by the dozen, learned all about dove-tail joints, and made glue from boiled cow-hooves)  and a tall, willowy lady taught us the rudiments of book-keeping.  Neither pastime subsequently did me much good.

            We put our free time to good use, invading the forbidden territory of the Tannery, watching from behind bushes and trees, the activities going on in the distance.  One large shed was stacked with bales of various-coloured rubber and was ideal for playing the games of cowboys and Indians that we favoured. This rubber (I subsequently learnt ) was the raw material that was used in the moulding of the shoe-soles that were churned out by the thousand in the rubber department.  The Tannery itself produced no shoes, just soles, insoles and rolls of coloured leather.

            Sometimes we sat on the banks of the river Clodagh, reading our Kit Carson and Johnny Mack Brown comics, or practised our fast draws in the crouched style favoured by our heroes.  My favourite weapon was a long-barrelled Colt 44 with ivory handles and a proper revolving chamber, which I had saved for nearly a year to buy.  I took to wearing it to school, tucked inside the waistband of my trousers, until the day Miley Moore took it off me and broke it demonstrating his prowess as an outlaw.  Attempting to side-swipe me, he missed and clubbed a rock instead.  One half of it landed in the river, never to be seen again.

            There were other diversions.  Portlaw girls were supposed to be fast, something we discovered to be true, for no matter how hard we chased them we never managed to catch up.  Sometimes when the weather was nice the girls from the bakery sat sunning themselves on the opposite bank.  We admired their muscular arms and their floury faces, for very little else was visible beneath the long white coats and the elasticised head-coverings.

            Our learning curve may not have been very steep but the road home certainly was.  The homeward journey was hell; the long climb back to the Five Roads couldn’t have been more tiring if it had been up the face of the Comeragh Mountains themselves. Portlaw wasn’t in a valley I had often heard my father mutter, it was at the bottom of a bloody pit.

            There was also the little matter of getting safely past a particular farm.  A seventh son of a seventh son lived there and all sorts of peculiar happenings went on inside.  Sick animals and sick people traipsed in and out at all hours, ringworm was cured, and one woman who hadn’t said a word for twenty years suddenly started talking so much that her neighbours threatened to take her back and get the cure reversed.  It was best to bless oneself and cycle quickly past.

The Five Roads was a kind of staging post, where we all recovered our breaths before going our different ways.  A little whitewashed shop stood in the vee of two of the roads, where sweets and lemonade could be had over the half-door.  Miley Moore called it a shebeen and said you could get bottles of Porter and poteen there too if you were that way inclined. We tried this once and the old woman who owned the shop chased us out, with her besom swinging.  As we all took different routes she didn’t know which of us to follow, so she just stood in the middle of the road shaking her broom at us.

I eventually followed in my father’s footsteps.  My name had been down in the Tannery for years and as soon as I was old enough,  and a vacancy occurred, I was summoned.  I never gave it a second thought.  It was expected of me, and I suppose my father had pulled a few strings to get me in.

                             ………………………………………..to be continued

PECKER DUNNE – last of the travellers…contd.

A campfire. Singing and dancing. Pecker, wearing a hat is seated, drinking and enjoying himself. A red-haired girl, throws herself down beside Pecker. Soon they are laughing and cuddling.. 

PD:     What’s your name?

       MARY:   Me name’s Mary. What’s yours?

PD:     Arra, you can call me anything, so long as it’s not too early in the morning.

       MARY:   I like your hat. Where did you get it?

PD:     Well, I’ll tell you now; I was buskin’ over in Dingle a few days ago and this fella said to me ‘I’ll give you two euros if you play a good tune for me’, so I said ‘give me four and I’ll play a better one’. I did, and he was so happy he said ‘play me another one now and I’ll give you me hat’. I did, and now I’m wearing it. ‘That’s a good hat now, look after it’, he said, ‘I paid 140 dollars for that hat in Australia’

        MARY:  Are you goin’ to wear it to Puck Fair?

PD:     Begod I am. They might crown me King of The Fair tomorrow with that hat on me head. (the girl laughs, and Pecker says in an aside) I think I’m alright here.

      MARY:    Will you give me a dance at the fair?

PD:     I surely will. I’ll even give you two for good measure. (he drags her to her feet)  We’ll have a practice one now.

They dance close together for a moment. Suddenly there is a roar and a man jumps between them and shoves them apart.

MAN: That’s my wife, stranger. What do you say to that?

PD:     A careless man and his wife are soon parted, that’s what I say.  She needs controlling, man.

MAN:  Well, if she does itself, I’m the one to do it. 

He drags the girl away and shoves her to one side, then kicks out at Pecker and knocks him to the ground. Then he takes off his shirt and stands in the pose of a fighter, his bare fists raised. Someone shouts ‘clear a space’ as Pecker rises and takes off his shirt. He, too, raises his fists.  They circle each other for a while, throwing punches and missing. Then Pecker connects with a wild swing to the head. His opponent goes down, pole-axed.  He lays there not moving; someone comes up and tests for a pulse at the side of his neck.

MAN: There’s no pulse. I think he’s dead.

Pandemonium on the site for a few minutes. Screams and shouting. Then a police whistle is heard. A Guard Sergeant marches on and drags Pecker off.

Lights dim, then we see Pecker singing PORTLAOISE GAOL (c Pecker Dunne)

PD:                 For thirty years I’ve been a tinker,                                                                      I’ve tramped the mountain and the glen  I’ve courted girls in every county,        and I’ve fought the very best of men                                                                      I drank an awful lot of porter, I slept in sunshine, snow and gale                                   But the life I loved was taken from me, when I spent two years in Portlaoise    gaol.             

Portlaoise gaol it was tamed the tiger – try, me boys, to get bail                                T’was many a heart was stopped inside – inside the walls of Portlaoise gaol.                              

I joined a camp outside Kilorglin, the night before they crowned the king There was song and dance and plenty porter,                                                         with our wagons formed around the ring                                                           Then a foxy lass sat down beside me, bedad says I, I’m alright here                       But her husband rose and leapt between us,                                                     and knocked me down with a kick in the ear                                                                I hit him hard below the navel,, he hit the ground with a might wail                   His neck was broke, he died in seconds,                                                              and I spent Puck Fair in Portlaoise gaol.                                   

 Portlaoise gaol it was tamed the tiger – try, me boys, to get bail                               T’was many a heart was stopped inside – inside the walls of Portlaoise gaol.

End of scene

The campsite. A man, a local farmer comes into view, in a temper.

MAN: Hey, ya pikey bastard, did you steal that bit of lead off the roof of my cowhouse the other day?

PD:     I’ve been passing this way the last twenty years and the devil a bit of lead I ever saw on that roof. A few galvanised sheets, and they fallin down with the rust, but no lead.

MAN: I’ll call the Guards. I’ll get you moved on.

PD:     They won’t find any lead here.

MAN: Well, if it wasn’t you it was them friends of your in that transit van.

PD:     They weren’t friends of mine, whoever they were.

MAN: Well they were over from Rathkeale way then. That town is full of pikeys and knackers. They sold my wife a roll of carpet and when she unrolled it there was a big square missing in the middle.

PD:     More fool her then. Is that what this is about? Someone sold your wife dodgy bit of carpet and you blame me for it. How do you know they were travellers? Maybe they were townies.

MAN: They were pikeys. Just like you.

PD:     That’s not a very nice word. We’re travelling people, not pikeys.

MAN: Well you’re all tarred with the same brush, aren’t you?  Steal anything that’s not nailed down, you lot would.

PD:     Even invisible lead. How would it be if I called you a sod-buster or a cockie, or something else derogatory.

MAN: Look, why don’t up sticks and just head off. You know you’re not wanted around here.

PD:     It’s still a free country – I think

. He  sings a few verses from THE TRAVELLING PEOPLE ( (c) Ewan McColl)

PD:                 I’m a freeborn man of the travelling people
Got no fixed abode with nomads I am numbered
Country lanes and bye ways were always my ways
I never fancied being lumbered

Well we knew the woods and all the resting places
The small birds sang when winter time was over
Then we’d pack our load and be on the road
They were good old times for the rover

In the open ground where a man could linger
Stay a week or two for time was not your master
Then away you’d jog with your horse and dog
Nice and easy no need to go faster

And sometimes you’d meet up with other travellers
Hear the news or else swop family information
At the country fairs we’d be meeting there
All the people of the travelling nation

I’ve made willow creels and the heather besoms
And I’ve even done some begging and some hawkin’
And I’ve lain there spent rapped up in my tent
And I’ve listened to the old folks talking

All you freeborn men of the travelling people
Every tinker rolling stone and gypsy rover
Winds of change are blowing old ways are going
Your travelling days will soon be over

I’m a freeborn man of the travelling people
Got no fixed abode with nomads I am numbered
Country lanes and bye ways were always my ways
I never fancied being lumbered

STREET CORNER – a short play

STREET CORNER

By

      Tom O’Brien

Characters

Shirl….teens

Jan…..teens

Al……teens

Kev…teens

NWM ….40’s

Period 1980’s

A street somewhere in London. ( Location can be changed if desired) Empty shop with FOR SALE sign. Garage attached to end of shop with door missing. Strewn with rubbish inside. Pavement – and presumably road – runs away to right of stage.. Another road runs at right angles to left of stage. The actors are free to stand, sit, or move within the setting as the action progresses. SHIRL, JAN and AL are on stage at curtain rise.

            SHIRL:          You go.

            AL:                 No, you go.

            SHIRL:          No-o, you go.

            AL:                 You go.

            JAN:               Bleedin’ hell!  I’ll go

            SHIRL:          Alright. Get me a coke. Diet.

            AL:                 Yeah. The same.

            JAN:               (not moving) Well Then?

            AL:                 Well what?

            JAN:               Money like. It costs ya know.

            AL:                 (hands her a fiver) Get ‘em out of that.

            SHIRL:          ‘Ere! Where’d you get a fiver? You was skint earlier

            AL:                 Sold a computer game, didn’t I?

            SHIRL:          (suspicious) ‘Oo to?

            AL:                 Fat Annie

            SHIRL:          She closes early Thursdays

            AL:                 She didn’t today. Ask Kev.

Jan has moved away at this point. Shirl shouts after her.

SHIRL:          Jan! Make mine a lilt instead  (To Al)  Where is Kev anyway?          We said six.

AL:                 He’ll be here.

SHIRL:          Is it true he fancies Nadine?

AL:                 Nadine who?

SHIRL:          The Nadine. The one who told you to sod off at the party.

AL:                 She never.

SHIRL:          She wouldn’t be seen dead with him anyway. She likes a good time.

AL:                 What are you doing here then?

SHIRL:          Who says I’m goin’ with Kev?

AL:                 Aren’t you?

KEV saunters up at this point.

            KEV:              Alright?

            AL:                 Alright.

            SHIRL:          You’re late.

            KEV:              Me mum’s sick. I had to do the housework.

            SHIRL:          That’s a laugh!

            KEV:              Okay, I was robbing a bank.

            SHIRL:          They’re closed, stupid.

            KEV:              A launderette then. Will that do?

Jan returns with the drinks at this point.

            JAN:               You’re late.

            KEV:              She already said that.

            JAN:               Well, you are.

Kev watches her handing out the drinks.

            KEV:              Where’s mine?

            JAN:               You weren’t here.

            KEV:              I’m here now.

            SHIRL:          Come on, Jan, we’ll get another.

After they go, Kev gets out his cigarettes out and they light up. Al offers his coke.

            AL:                 You get it?

KEV:              Yeah. Fifteen squids. You already got a fiver, so if I give you another that makes us quits. Right?  ( he hands over a fiver)

AL:                 (trying to work it out) Yeah, yeah. (pause) And she called you a thicko!

KEV:              Who did?

AL:                 Her. That Nadine.

KEV:              (laughs) Plankton head

AL:                 Plankton?

KEV:              That’s what they called her at school. Plankton head. Y’know… seaweed? Her hair?

AL:                 (vague) Oh, right

Shirl and Jan return. Shirl hands a coke to Kev

            SHIRL:          Don’t say I never give you nuffing.

She shoves the change in Kev’s pocket. He takes it out and counts it.

            SHIRL:          It’s all there.

            JAN:               Guess what?

            KEV:              You’re pregnant.

JAN:               Don’t be stupid. Someone nicked all the lead of the church hall roof last night.

SHIRL:          Yeah. Old what’s-is-name, the neighbourhood watch bloke, was sayin’ in the shop…

JAN:               I thought roofs was all slates?

KEV:              Flashing.

JAN:               You what?

KEV:              The flashing. The bits that go round the edges. They’re lead.

SHIRL:          Clever, ain’t ya!

JAN:               What’s anyone want to nick that for?

AL:                 Scrap metal. There’s money in scrap metal.

SHIRL:          Yeah? Anyway, he reckons they’re bound to catch whoever done it. They found a knife up there…

Al drops his coke.

AL:                 Shit! (he picks it up) Sod this. Who wants a beer?

JAN:               I thought we was goin’ to the pictures?

KEV:              Plenty of time yet. (pause) Comin’ Al?

They move away. Jan takes a mirror from her purse and studies her face.

JAN:               Which on d’ya fancy then, Shirl?

SHIRL:          Which one d’you fancy?

JAN:               You first.

SHIRL:          No, you.

JAN:               Kev’s nice.

SHIRL:          You fancy him?

JAN:               Yeah.

SHIRL:          I know. Let’s toss (searches her bag) You got ten pee?

Jan hands her ten pee.

SHIRL:          Best of three, right? (she tosses)

JAN:               Heads.

Jan gives a squeal of delight when she wins. She loses the next two and makes a face.

            JAN:               Your hair is nice. Where’d you get it done?

SHIRL:          Me sister’s. I nearly died. I’m stiin’ there with all this gunk on my head and he comes in. You know, TONY, her fella? And she goes ‘you’re drunk’, and he goes’ you’re ugly but I’ll be sober later’. Then she goes, ‘you pig’., and he goes…

JAN:               And was he?

SHIRL:          Was he what?

JAN:               Drunk.

SHIRL:          I s’pose so. He kissed me when she was out of the room.

JAN:               He never! You want to be careful. Married men only want one thing.

SHIRL:          They ain’t married, are they. Anyway, I wouldn’t mind. He’s kinda hunky…

Shirl pauses as someone comes in their direction. It’s the Neighbourhood Watch man

            SHIRL:          Oh-oh. It’s old what’s-is-name

NWM:            Well, if it ain’t the terrible twins. Like hanging around empty properties, do you?

JAN:               That’s our business.

NWM:            And mine. Got to make sure nothing goes on inside, see? No drinking or smoking. No raves.

SHIRL:          Raves around this dump! You gott’a be joking!

JAN:               What’cha want anyway?

NWM:            I’m looking for Al Massey. You know him?

SHIRL:          Yeah, we know him.

NWM:            Seen him lately? (both shake their heads) If you do see him tell him I want a word. Before the cops do.

JAN:               What’s ‘e done, then?

NWM:            Why should he have done anything?

JAN:               You said….

NWM:            Never assume, young lady. Only an ass assumes. I would merely like to know why a knife with the initials AM should be laying on the roof of the church hall. Maybe he can tell me before I mention it to the law.

SHIRL:          Don’t they know?

NWM:            Not about the knife. Yet.

JAN:               Why haven’t you told them?

NWM:            His dad and me, we go back a long way. I just can’t believe…(pause) So if you see him tell him I want a word. ( he moves away)

JAN:               Wot you reckon. Shirl?

SHIRL:          About what?

JAN:               Al, was it him on the roof?

SHIRL:          Him and Kev, you mean. All for one and one for all, that’s their motto, innit?

JAN:               Not with me it ain’t! I’m not sharing…

At this point Kev and Al can be seen returning

SHIRL:          They’re coming back. Quick….!

The two girls move up the alley way and disappear behind the garage.

            KEV:              Where’ve they got to then?

AL:                 The bog probably. Girls are always in the bog doin’ things to themselves.

They sit beside the garage and open two cans of beer

            KEV:              We goin’ to the pictures or what?

            AL:                 Or what. Yeah.

            KEV:              How are we, like, goin’ to pair off?

            AL:                 I don’t know. Wot’cha think?

            KEV:              Jan’s okay.

            AL:                 Yeah. I know. Let’s toss. ( he produces a coin)

            KEV:              Heads. (he loses) Oh well…

Al looks down the road. He sees someone in the distance.

            AL:                 What? (listens) Yeah. We got it. Thanks. (to Kev) That was Tony   

            KEV:              I heard.  That Shirl’s sister, she gives him a hard time.

            AL:                 Yeah.

            KEV:              It’s not his fault he can’t get a job.

            AL:                 No.

            KEV:              Fifty sovs, that’s all he needed.

            AL:                 Yeah. Well, he’s got it now, ain’t he.

            KEV:              Yeah.

            AL:                 D’you reckon it’s true what Shirl said about the knife?

            KEV:              I reckon. I s’pose the old bill will be around.

            AL:                 Yeah. What ya think they’ll do?

            KEV:              (shrugs) A knife is just a knife. They can’t prove anything.

            AL:                 What about fingerprints?

Shirl and Jan have heard enough by now. They come running out.

JAN:               And initials. It had your initials on it, stupid. Old what’s-is-name has been round. He said so.

KEV:              (hands them beers) Have a beer. All that listening must be thirsty work.

SHIRL:          We wasn’t listening.

KEV:              What were you doin’ back there – sunbathing?

SHIRL:          Very funny! It was only a game. We couldn’t help hearing

AL:                 A stupid game.

JAN:               Not half as stupid as nicking that lead.

AL:                 We didn’t.

JAN:               Pull the other one.

AL:                 We Didn’t!

JAN:               He found your knife.

AL:                 Not mine.

JAN:               It’s got your initials on…

AL:                 Not my initials. (he takes a knife from his pocket and hands it ot her) That’s my knife

SHIRL:          Whose then?

KEV:              Maybe it was Tony’s

SHIRL:          Don’t be stupid, Kev!

JAN:               Shirl. Tony?…Anthony…

SHIRL:          Oh shit!

JAN:               Wot’s ‘is surname.

SHIRL:          I don’t know, do I? ( pause)  I think it’s Moran. Stupid…stupid… You knew? (to Kev)

KEV:              He told us earlier on. He hid the lead last night and got rid of most of it this morning. What bits were left he said we could have. (he holds up his beer) Cheers Tony!

They are all silent, finishing their drinks.

SHIRL:          What will happen now? To Tony, I mean?

AL:                 He might be lucky. Then again he might not.

KEV:              (to Shirl) And all because your sister wanted an expensive birthday present.

Kev finishes his beer and tosses it into the pile in the garage.

KEV:              Picture time.

Kev and Al begin to move away.

            AL:                 You comin’ or what?

Shirl and Jan look at each other for a moment, then shrug and follow.

Curtain.

LIFE AINT WOT IT USED TO BE (continued)

Scene 3

Lionel’s grubby room. Empty bottle, papers, rubbish etc scattered everywhere.  An older Lionel is seated in a grubby chair, smoking a weed, a drink in his hand.

LIONEL: (to audience)

When you think about it, I only had six or seven years of real success. The rest of my life was one long struggle.

.Between 1959 and 1966, I made – and spent – more money than any reasonable human being could count. And I mean literally spent millions. Bloody millions!

What did I do with it all? I don’t really know. I knew I was earning a lot of money – and I let other people get on with taking care of it. I signed whatever I was asked to sign. If I wanted something – a piano, a new car, a holiday abroad, I just signed for it.

Pause

The last show I was involved in was COSTA PACKET – another Joan Littlewood production in 1972. Another disaster.

Pause

I have created nothing for the stage in the last 15 years. What was I doing? I hear you ask.  To be honest, I don’t remember much – apart from attending bloody bankruptcy meetings every other bloody day!

He jumps up and rages at the audience

LIONEL:

Look at me! You see before you a 57 year old loser. A has-been. I’m deader than the  deadest dodo

We hear music in the background. Maybe the lights change and a couple of musicians appear. Lional sings

“Life Ain’t Wot It Used T’Be”
(To the tune of “Fings Ain’t Wot They Used T’Be”)

I sold all my rights to Ollie,
Now I feel like a right old Wally,
Cos life ain’t wot it used to be—
The money’s gone, and I’m skint, you see!

The royalties dried up, it’s a proper shame,
Now I’m stuck in the rain with no one to blame.
I thought I’d be rich, livin’ life so free,
But life ain’t wot it used to be!

(Spoken interlude, cheeky tone)
Oi, Lionel, mate, what’ve I done?
I signed it all away for a bit of fun!
Now I’m skint, I’m broke, I’m up the creek,
And all I’ve got’s this bleedin’ sheet… music!

(Back to singing)
The pubs are shut, the booze is gone,
I’m singin’ the blues from dusk till dawn.
I thought I’d be smilin’, livin’ carefree,
But life ain’t wot it used to be!

Scene 4

Lionel’s flat, 1966. The room is dimly lit, and Lionel is sitting alone, staring at a photo of Alma. There’s a knock at the door, and John enters.

JOHN:
(softly)
Lionel, I’ve got some bad news.

LIONEL:
(looking up)
What is it, John?

JOHN:
(taking a deep breath)
It’s Alma. She’s… she’s gone.

LIONEL:
(stunned)
Gone? What do you mean, gone?

JOHN:
(softly)
She passed away last night. Cancer.

LIONEL:
(breaking down)
No… no, it can’t be.

JOHN:
(placing a hand on Lionel’s shoulder)
I’m sorry, Lionel.

LIONEL:
(to the audience)
Alma was my muse, my friend, my confidante. And now she’s gone.

(He picks up the photo of Alma and holds it close.)

LIONEL:
(softly)
I should have been there for her. I should have…

JOHN:
(interrupting)
Don’t do this to yourself, Lionel. Alma wouldn’t want that.

LIONEL:
(sighing)
You’re right, John. But it doesn’t make it any easier. (pause) You know, she asked me to marry her once. And do you know what I said? I’d think about it. What was there to think about? I loved her – and she loved me. Maybe if we had got married she would be still alive.

JOHN:                                                                                                                          That’s stupid talk, Lionel. The cancer was too far gone. Terminal.

LIONEL:                                                                                                                          I know she’d been feeling unwell for months. Do you think she knew?

JOHN:                                                                                                                             I don ‘t think so. I think she just put it down to some stomach problems. (pause)
Lionel, you’ve got to get help. You can’t keep living like this.
LIONEL:
(bitterly)
What’s the point, John? I’ve lost everything

They sit in silence for a moment, the weight of Alma’s death hanging in the air. They sing the song  ALMA MY STAR

“Alma, My Star”
(A bittersweet ballad for Alma Cogan)

Verse 1
Alma, my star, you burned so bright,
A melody in the quiet night.
Your laughter danced, your voice would soar,
But now the stage is dark once more.

Pre-Chorus
I held your hand, but not your heart,
Too scared to play my part.
A question asked, a moment missed,
Now all I have is this…

Chorus
Alma, my love, my shining light,
Gone too soon, like a song in the night.
I hear your echo, soft and low,
In every note I’ll never let go.

Verse 2
You asked me once, “Will you stay?”
I hesitated, turned away.
Now all I have are memories,
Of what could’ve been, and what will never be.

Pre-Chorus
The world still hums your sweet refrain,
But I’m left here in the rain.
A melody I can’t complete,
Without your heart to beat.

Chorus
Alma, my love, my shining light,
Gone too soon, like a song in the night.
I hear your echo, soft and low,
In every note I’ll never let go.

Bridge
If I could turn back time, my dear,
I’d hold you close, I’d make it clear.
But now you’re gone, and all I see,
Is a world that’s lost its harmony.

Chorus
Alma, my love, my shining light,
Gone too soon, like a song in the night.
I hear your echo, soft and low,
In every note I’ll never let go.

Outro
Alma, my star, you’ll always shine,
A timeless tune, a love divine.
Though you’re gone, you’ll never fade,
Forever here, in every song I’ve made.

LIGHTS FADE, end of scene

LIFE’S LOST SOMETHING-OR-OTHER

RUMINATIONS

The world is full of poets
And most of them know it
Rhyming couplets with fucklets
Never thinking ‘dark chocolates’
Most of them over some visionary hill
Buying notebooks they will never fill
Looking for loves lost something-or-other
Or wondering why they never hated their mother.
Oh yes, a poet’s life is thankless
Almost as bad as a life lived wankless

THE MEANING OF LIFE

 

THE MEANING OF LIFE

At the forefront of knowledge

Is the edge of uncertainty

Where reality is really

Only a projection of information

At the rim of the universe.

There, black holes loiter with intent.

They seek to break the sacred laws of physics

Which, as everyone knows, state

That information cannot be destroyed.

This is the point of no return.

All the information that ever existed is here

And black holes are held at bay – for now

What is inside is not inside

And what is outside is not outside.

We are merely holographic projections

Rendered flesh at this event horizon.

Asimov, of course, knew this

Way back when computers

Were not ten-a-penny.

He knew the truth, or guessed

That the universe is one vast computer itself

And we are merely its slavish programmers.

Though not living out purposeless existences,

As some believe,

But proving that life does have some meaning:

We are the way for the universe to know itself

 

 

PEARL ENCRUSTED GATES

PEARL ENCRUSTED GATES

It’s the waiting you see

For something to happen

Or not, as the case may be

This limbo life limps on

Nothing changes

But another day gone

Maybe tomorrow I’ll wake

Without a new ache

And think – ah nothing’s wrong

But the delusion persists,

Or is it illusion?

That a mighty fall awaits

Outside these pearl encrusted gates

THE MEANING OF LIFE

 

Could somebody explain it to me, please!

THE MEANING OF LIFE

At the forefront of knowledge

Is the edge of uncertainty

Where reality is really

Only a projection of information

At the rim of the universe.

There, black holes loiter with intent.

They seek to break the sacred laws of physics

Which, as everyone knows, state

That information cannot be destroyed.

This is the point of no return.

All the information that ever existed is here

And black holes are held at bay – for now

What is inside is not inside

And what is outside is not outside.

We are merely holographic projections

Rendered flesh at this event horizon.

 

Asimov, of course, knew this

Way back when computers

Were not ten-a-penny.

He knew the truth, or guessed

That the universe is one vast computer itself

And we are merely its slavish programmers.

Though not living out purposeless existences,

As some believe,

But proving that life does have some meaning:

We are the way for the universe to know itself