GOOD ADVICE

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WRITING, DRINKING, WANKING

You can either buy me a drink or fuck off
Were the first words Patrick Kavanagh said to me.
He was hunched over an empty glass in the corner of McDaids,
Gobbing and spitting into the embers of the open fire
I arrived here nearly thirty years ago,
Having spent two days traipsing the road from Monaghan,
But I wanted to be in Dublin, y’know?
Where I thought the real writers were.
Real writers me arse!
They spend all their time drinking and talking about writing
And none of it doing any

He nearly took my hand off grabbing the drink I had got him,
Writing should be like wanking –
Best done in the privacy of your own room

MORE THOUGHTS OF A STATIONARY WRITER

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OBSERVATIONS
Our lives are not our own
Our cards are marked from womb to tomb
Jealousy is the art of counting
Someone else’s blessings and not your own
You will never grow big by thinking small
The life you leave behind is no big deal at all
Be strong, be brave
But most of all don’t be a slave
To fashions, to politics, or whatever is the craze
Don’t run if you’re not able
And never expect happiness to come
With a glossy buy-me-now label.

WHAT IS?

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THE MEANING OF LIFE

At the forefront of knowledge
Is the edge of uncertainty
Where reality is really
Only a projection of information
At the rim of the universe.
There, black holes loiter with intent.
They seek to break the sacred laws of physics
Which, as everyone knows, state
That information cannot be destroyed.
This is the point of no return.
All the information that ever existed is here
And black holes are held at bay – for now
What is inside is not inside
And what is outside is not outside.
We are merely holographic projections
Rendered flesh at this event horizon.

Asimov, of course, knew this
Way back when computers
Were not ten-a-penny.
He knew the truth, or guessed
That the universe is one vast computer itself
And we are merely its slavish programmers.
Though not living out purposeless existences,
As some believe,
But proving that life does have some meaning:
We are the way for the universe to know itself

RYE HARBOUR IN SUMMER

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RYE HARBOUR SUMMER SOLILOQUY

Rye Harbour basks this sunny summer morning
The river Rother already all bled out
Following the departing tide far out to sea
Leaving assorted sea craft specked in the distance
And seagulls dancing on the just-bled riverbed
Digging for scallops and mussels
Then dropping them from high
Onto the concrete bunker and the asphalt walkway
To shatter and split
Before feasting on the fresh flesh thus exposed

On the horizon
Dungeness chimney stacks
Rise like piss-horns from the sand
And Camber Sands arcs wildly round the bay
Flat as the Gobi desert
On any given day
And lurking behind this bucolic scene
The wind farm at Romney Marsh can be seen
Turbines propellers lazily turning
Barely generating enough power
To make a pot of tea, or so it would seem

Overlooking it all is the town of Rye
Stately and high, with its ruined castle on the hill
Much loved by the king with eight wives
Though nearby Camber Castle, also in Henry’s demesne,
Still sits marooned between land and sea
Doomed for centuries a bridesmaid to remain

Nearby squats the Mary Stanford lifeboat station
A monument to that fateful date
When seventeen crewmen tracked across the saltmarsh flats
For one last time in nineteen-twenty-eight
Searching for a phantom ship
They found a cold and watery grave instead

Sandwort, Curlew, Couch Grass and Stork’s Bill
Cardoon, Sea Kale, Cormorant and Sea Purslane
Egret, Sea Pea, Lapwing and Marsh Frog
Compete for space in what some might see
As just another piece of swamp or bog
But neither bog nor swamp truly can describe this place
So full of the genomes of our diverse race
A million years will not have altered
Its make-up or genetic shades
Our DNA is mapped out here in spades.

CRICKLEWOOD COWBOYS

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CRICKLEWOOD COWBOYS

In Cricklewood we had the crack
We went to town and some came back
In Kilburn and Willesden too
We danced in The Banba and the Club 32
(A ramshackle house of bones
In Harlesden High Street
Where the girls danced round their crucifixes
Who knows whom they hoped to meet?)
If you owned a car and didn’t drink Guinness
You were good for a feel if nothing else
But if you wanted to get them into bed
You had to put a roof over their head
Oh, and two little words were important too
And they wanted to hear them loud and clear;
I DO!

TIGER BAY

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TIGER BAY

How long have they sat there,
Unnoticed?
Granite haunches
Tensed in the sand
Brunting the snarling sea
Washed over again and again
Licking endless salt wounds away.

From these high cliffs I see them clearly
Wild creatures
Waiting patiently for prey
Yesterday it was desolate;
Now there are tigers in the bay

IS ED SHEERIN AN ANDROID?

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IS ED SHEERIN AN ANDROID?

Everywhere you look these days he’s there
Ed Sheerin
Strumming his plastic guitar
Smiling his geeky smile
Singing in his whiny voice
Best Album, Best Solo Artist
Come on, get real!
Writing his colour bling lyrics
Peddling his simpering vanilla sound
Sounding like his tongue got stuck in a mouse-trap
Then there’s his inane grin
His funky waistcoats
And his sexless chin
There’s more sex appeal in a pillow case
And he’s not even gay!
I suspect he is an android
That makes soothing noises when you pluck a string on its back
And I bet that close up he smells of WD40

GIGGS BOSUN COLLIDER

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GIGGS BOSUN COLLIDER

Yeah, I met Giggs
He was a bosun wasn’t he?
Plying the East India route
Yeah, that’s right
Rebooting the particle smasher he was.
I saw him doing it once;
Not much scope for that kind of malarkey out here
I thought at the time.
And what did the rebooting do?
What did it find?
Nothing that I could see.
Maybe because there something else on his mind

And now they call it the Bosun Giggs Collider.
Large Haddock Collider, I think you will find
So what happened to Giggs?
Giggs? Oh he disappeared somewhere in the South China Seas.
Now he tells me! Do you mind if I sing?
If I die tonight bury me
In my favourite yellow patent leather shoes
With a mummified cat and a cone-like hat
‘Cos I’ve got the Giggs Bosun Blues…

WIDE, WIDE WOMEN

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WIDE, WIDE WOMEN

What is it with young women with buggies?
Both seem to get wider with each passing day
And use the pavement as a playground
Where their feckless children can play
Skateboards, scooters and other diverse playthings
Are added to the cigarettes – usually Kings,
That hang permanently from pinkified faces,
Beneath this rainbow gathering of hairpieces
Adorning those many empty spaces.
The pavement, somehow, seems smaller these days.

REALITY CHECK

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REALITY CHECK

Busy hips and pouting lips
Powder the streets of cruel illusion
Sideways smiles and dark alley wiles
Add spice to the confusion
Of the boy who thought sex in the park
Might be a bit of a lark
Until he got unpleasently surprised in the dark
‘Hey! My heels are longer than your dick,
So put it away you scurvy little prick’.